Thursday, December 27, 2012
My Journey to Find Light
Strength. Finding your inner strength. I believe that strength has a strong correlation to light and I believe that all of us have an inner light that shines in us. It is only when that light is shining bright that you feel the most like yourself. When the light is dark, you start to feel like you're losing a sense of who you are and that everything is spiraling out of control. When your inner light is dark you may find that you are a more negative person and that you tend to get annoyed with people more, or feel the feelings of hate and disgust towards people without truly having a valid reason. Without even realizing it, when your inner light is dark you are in a more negative place. I can say all of this because I have experienced this first hand. My inner light has been dark for a few years now and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize it until one day when I was curled up in a ball on the floor feeling like everything around me was falling apart. A song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat popped into my head and everything made sense. "... may I return, to the beginning, the light is dimming and the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting. Still hesitating. Any dream will do." It was those words that made me realize that I wanted more and that I deserved more. I remember speaking those words and crying, not because I was sad, but because in that moment I had lit the flame again and I started to feel like my inner light was shining brighter then it had in a long time. Sometimes, you have to return to the beginning and just start a new. I wanted to share this moment not to boast about how strong and great I feel, but to just put it out there, just in case there is someone going through something similar. We are all on this earth to help one another and we are all in this wild and crazy life together. It is important that when we learn personal life lessons that we find ways to get our stories out there so we can perhaps help someone else that is suffering. I have had a lot of people ask me where my strength comes from and how I am doing so well... all I can say to them is that my inner light has been finally re lit and it is shining brighter than ever. Once you can get that inner light to shine brightly, nothing is more powerful than that.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Lessons Learned
Well it is Christmas Eve, and here I sit waiting for my family to arrive for our annual Holiday gathering. Today has been all about tradition, well normally isn't that what the Holidays are all about? Tradition? In the past, I would try to relive the same Christmas Eve over and over again. I would get so upset when something would fall out of place or wouldn't feel right. Today, I feel my growth more than ever. I have noticed that I just have learned to go with the flow of things, and you know what? I have had the best day so far. The thing is, you can't plan anything. You can't plan who will be a constant and who will be a distant memory in your life.. you can hope, but you can't plan.
There is a quote that my Mom shared with me today that really spoke true to my heart.
This quote only speaks truth. I have had to remind myself lately that we are all here on this earth to learn lessons.. whether they be big or small, we are all here to learn something. Some may need to learn patience, some fideltity and some trust. I know that thinking this way has helped me get through this tough time in my life. I believe that we have contracts with people and when the contract comes to an end, then it is time to continue on YOUR path and find new contracts and lessons to learn. I truly know that I have grown so much these past few months alone, and am a better person because of the time I spent in the dark. Just like Katy Perry says in the song Firework,
I am thankful for the lessons I have learned so far and for the distant memories in my life because without them, I would not be the strong person I am today.
Merry Christmas. Treasure the moments you share today and tomorrow, because you can't always count on the traditions to last.
There is a quote that my Mom shared with me today that really spoke true to my heart.
"Nothing ever goes away, until it has taught us what we need to know."
-Chodron
-Chodron
"after a hurricaine comes a rainbow, maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road."
Here's what I plan to do, I plan to coninue on my path. I plan on contiuning to be the strong woman that I have discovered. I plan on accepting whatever changes come my way because this is all part of a bigger plan. I plan on trusting that the lessons I learn, are only helping me prepel forward into the life that I deserve to live. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned so far and for the distant memories in my life because without them, I would not be the strong person I am today.
Merry Christmas. Treasure the moments you share today and tomorrow, because you can't always count on the traditions to last.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
I am Woman hear me ROAR
Well, here I am again. I have been absent for some time. My life has changed drastically in the last month and weirdly I am the happiest I have been. I have been wanting to write something, I just haven't been sure what to say. This morning my Mom sent me a quote that really spoke to me and I wanted to share it on here:
Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it's personal. And the world won't end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don't miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your names, dress yo and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution.' And at last you'll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking."
-Audre Lorde
This pretty much sums it all up. I recently found a children's book that was given to me by our family friend, David Cooper. In the book he had written, "Amanda, may you always be free to dance the dance that lives within you." That is exactly it.. I have to feel free to dance the dance that lives within me, in my soul.
In life it is so easy to lose a sense of who you are and what you want to become. We can get boggled down with worry and fear. I was finding myself going along in life trying to control every little thing that came my way. I was so afraid of change that I decided that it was my responsibility to never let change come my way. I became a control freak without even realizing it. Then, one day, my life totally changed. In one instant the life that I knew just changed. It was out of my control. It took me a few weeks to realize that change happens. It is inevitable. But, it is how we deal with the change that affects our future. We can't say to ourselves, "why me" because change is a positive thing. Change can break you from a bad habit, change can open doors up for you that you never even knew was possible. Change can open your eyes to the life you are meant to live. So, here I am... living a life with a whole new outlook.
I am very happy. I am very content with the road I am on right now and I know that I owe it all to my Nanny and my Grandpa George. They saw from above that something was not quite right and they had to do something big so that I would understand why I needed to go down this new road.
It is all in divine order, and there is always something bigger at work. Have faith, trust in the changes and just enjoy the ride! Oh, and sing your life, above all else, take it and sing it!
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