My Journey to Find Light

Strength. Finding your inner strength. I believe that strength has a strong correlation to light and I believe that all of us have an inner light that shines in us. It is only when that light is shining bright that you feel the most like yourself. When the light is dark, you start to feel like you're losing a sense of who you are and that everything is spiraling out of control. When your inner light is dark you may find that you are a more negative person and that you tend to get annoyed with people more, or feel the feelings of hate and disgust towards people without truly having a valid reason. Without even realizing it, when your inner light is dark you are in a more negative place. I can say all of this because I have experienced this first hand. My inner light has been dark for a few years now and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize it until one day when I was curled up in a ball on the floor feeling like everything around me was falling apart. A song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat popped into my head and everything made sense. "... may I return, to the beginning, the light is dimming and the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting. Still hesitating. Any dream will do." It was those words that made me realize that I wanted more and that I deserved more. I remember speaking those words and crying, not because I was sad, but because in that moment I had lit the flame again and I started to feel like my inner light was shining brighter then it had in a long time. Sometimes, you have to return to the beginning and just start a new. I wanted to share this moment not to boast about how strong and great I feel, but to just put it out there, just in case there is someone going through something similar. We are all on this earth to help one another and we are all in this wild and crazy life together. It is important that when we learn personal life lessons that we find ways to get our stories out there so we can perhaps help someone else that is suffering. I have had a lot of people ask me where my strength comes from and how I am doing so well... all I can say to them is that my inner light has been finally re lit and it is shining brighter than ever. Once you can get that inner light to shine brightly, nothing is more powerful than that. 

Lessons Learned

      Well it is Christmas Eve, and here I sit waiting for my family to arrive for our annual Holiday gathering. Today has been all about tradition, well normally isn't that what the Holidays are all about? Tradition? In the past, I would try to relive the same Christmas Eve over and over again. I would get so upset when something would fall out of place or wouldn't feel right. Today, I feel my growth more than ever. I have noticed that I just have learned to go with the flow of things, and you know what? I have had the best day so far. The thing is, you can't plan anything. You can't plan who will be a constant and who will be a distant memory in your life.. you can hope, but you can't plan.
     There is a quote that my Mom shared with me today that really spoke true to my heart.

"Nothing ever goes away, until it has taught us what we need to know."
-Chodron

 

             This quote only speaks truth. I have had to remind myself lately that we are all here on this earth to learn lessons.. whether they be big or small, we are all here to learn something. Some may need to learn patience, some fideltity and some trust. I know that thinking this way has helped me get through this tough time in my life. I believe that we have contracts with people and when the contract comes to an end, then it is time to continue on YOUR path and find new contracts and lessons to learn. I truly know that I have grown so much these past few months alone, and am a better person because of the time I spent in the dark. Just like Katy Perry says in the song Firework,

"after a hurricaine comes a rainbow, maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road."

              Here's what I plan to do, I plan to coninue on my path. I plan on contiuning to be the strong woman that I have discovered. I plan on accepting whatever changes come my way because this is all part of a bigger plan. I plan on trusting that the lessons I learn, are only helping me prepel forward into the life that I deserve to live.
               I am thankful for the lessons I have learned so far and for the distant memories in my life because without them, I would not be the strong person I am today.

              Merry Christmas. Treasure the moments you share today and tomorrow, because you can't always count on the traditions to last.




  

I am Woman hear me ROAR

Well, here I am again. I have been absent for some time. My life has changed drastically in the last month and weirdly I am the happiest I have been. I have been wanting to write something, I just haven't been sure what to say. This morning my Mom sent me a quote that really spoke to me and I wanted to share it on here:

Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it's personal. And the world won't end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don't miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your names, dress yo and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution.' And at last you'll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking."

-Audre Lorde

This pretty much sums it all up. I recently found a children's book that was given to me by our family friend, David Cooper. In the book he had written, "Amanda, may you always be free to dance the dance that lives within you." That is exactly it.. I have to feel free to dance the dance that lives within me, in my soul. 

In life it is so easy to lose a sense of who you are and what you want to become. We can get boggled down with worry and fear. I was finding myself going along in life trying to control every little thing that came my way. I was so afraid of change that I decided that it was my responsibility to never let change come my way. I became a control freak without even realizing it. Then, one day, my life totally changed. In one instant the life that I knew just changed. It was out of my control. It took me a few weeks to realize that change happens. It is inevitable. But, it is how we deal with the change that affects our future. We can't say to ourselves, "why me" because change is a positive thing. Change can break you from a bad habit, change can open doors up for you that you never even knew was possible. Change can open your eyes to the life you are meant to live. So, here I am... living a life with a whole new outlook. 

I am very happy. I am very content with the road I am on right now and I know that I owe it all to my Nanny and my Grandpa George. They saw from above that something was not quite right and they had to do something big so that I would understand why I needed to go down this new road. 

It is all in divine order, and there is always something bigger at work. Have faith, trust in the changes and just enjoy the ride! Oh, and sing your life, above all else, take it and sing it!

Gaining my voice back

     You know, it's funny. I have started typing this blog multiple times over the past few weeks, but I keep erasing my words and trying to start over because I am too afraid what people may think about my thoughts.

      I do this too much. In life, I often erase what I am thinking and feeling so I can please others around me. Lately I have been getting bothered by little things. I then start to obsess for it, which in return makes it get bigger. I keep all of the thoughts in my head and the problem is never addressed.. it just gets bigger and and bigger and bigger....

   

     I WISH I could just say them. I WISH there were no boundaries and I could just be open about what I am thinking... good or bad. 

    

     I know people that are very open and I applaud them. I will admit that sometimes it is a little much, but you know something? When those types of people give me a compliment or tell me something, I take them so seriously because I trust them. I know that they wouldn't say anything that they didn't mean. 

    

     Sometimes in life when we get upset about something, we often put blame on the other person. We point the finger and say "you, you you!" When really.... all the anger, all the insecurities and all the upset stems from yourself. You should really be saying, "me, me, me. How can I change this situation? Why am I so upset by this?" More often than not, you will find that you are upset because the other person brought something up that you haven't been wanting to deal with and that you have been secretly insecure about.

    

     Lately, I have felt like I have needed to be very careful with what I say. I keep thinking things in my head and not saying them out loud. I do not think this is a good. I believe this makes for a weaker person and I do not want to be weak... who does?

    

     I want to be a strong person. I want to be able to say what I am thinking and mean it. I want to stay true to what I believe is right and fair and not let anyone influence my decision. I need my voice back. I am gaining my voice back. Tonight is the start of it all. 

    I will be a strong individual and I will stay true to what I know to be true. I will not let anyone get in my head and influence my decisions and reasoning. I will stay focused and stay on my path. I will try and not let the little things bother me so much and I will try to let the people that I have built up in my head fade out and go back to being little specks on this earth. I will focus more on the people that I love and I know love me. I will focus on light. I will focus on love. I will focus on being thankful. 

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am looking forward to being a bit stronger than I was today. 

Take a deep breath... here we go.

     
    

You Gotta Have Heart

    I have a question for you. What is important to you? As a human being what do you personally find important? What do you let get brushed aside and when do you decide that you need to fight for what is right?

    Alright, I know that was more than one question, but they are all related. When it comes to your passion, how involved can you be until you have gone too far?
 
    I know that in my world and the world of my peers, Theatre becomes the most important thing because that is our passion and we immerse ourselves in it. In a previous post I touched upon this topic and realized that when it comes to life or Theatre all of it is just stuff. The fight you get into with your significant other or parent or sibling, the clothes you just have to have, finding the perfect diet, always needing to be right, the fame, the glory, the acceptance, having your own stapler... I am sorry to tell you, but it is all just stuff. What is important? In life? In the Arts? Well, what is important to me in life is laughing, singing randomly, my family,chocolate, my close friends and when it comes to the Arts telling the story and being able to work as a team on and offstage is so important.

     I fear that our world is starting to get into the stuff aspect of it all. I think it is important to constantly remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. That constant reminder is what we need. Are you doing it solely  for yourself? Are you doing it for others? Are you doing it for fame? Are you doing it because you can't imagine doing anything else? Why are you doing what you are doing? Answer these questions regularly to help keep your motives positive and engaged.

     I know why I am doing what I do. I know that it keeps me strong and focused and I know what is important to me. I know that people don't need the glitz and the glamor and fame to have an amazing show or live a great life. It is all about the heart and the right intentions behind each choice that we make. Just like the song says from Damn Yankees:

 "You've gotta have heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start."

     If you know what you want and you know what you believe and you have the right support behind you, than you will not fail. Live your life the way you want to live it and do not let anyone tell you different. We are all here doing the same thing, but what separates us from one another  is how we go about doing what we do and what intentions we have behind each motive.

 Live with heart, live with hope and live with self awareness. 




    

    

I am....

I am my own person
I am not ashamed of how I feel
I am not going to feel bad for the choices I have made
I am not going to give in to your kindness
I know
I know
I know
I am a great person
I love to laugh
I love to smile
I love to be, just be
I am happy the way I am
I am my own person
I am my own person
I am going to trust my feelings
I am going to trust

A Familiar Stranger

        My Journal has been a very good friend to me lately. I have been struggling with the loss and change of friendships in my life. There is that constant question that I seem to always ask myself, "when do you know when it is time to let go and chalk it all up to a memory?" I decided to write in my journal more often, and I feel so much better! It is so nice to just put your thoughts into a place and not feel like you are being judged. Out of my writing yesterday, I wrote something that I wanted to share. It really does not relate to one particular person in my life, but instead it relates to the feeling I always have when I lose someone that I used to consider a vital person in my life. People are changing all the time, and sometimes the people you once felt really close to change, or you change, and you aren't mad or in a fight, but life just shifts and you start going down different paths and you start seeing a familiar stranger before you. I have a lot of familiar strangers in my life and I used to be very upset about it, but I have come to accept the fact that we are constantly changing as human beings and our lives are shifting everyday! I am just thankful that I have had the experiences that I have had in my life with friendships. My life feels full and it is because of the friendships I have lost and the ones that I have been fortunate enough to keep. People will continue to come and go out of our lives, but it is a comforting thought to think of the friends lost as "familiar strangers." For me, the word familiar makes the thought of losing touch with someone hurt a little less.

"Remember how we used to be able to talk about anything? There was never a wall between us. We would laugh and cry together, but then that dark cloud came and took you away from me. Where did you go? I feel like I can't even talk to you anymore. I don't know what to do or what to say. Will it ever go back to the way things were? I don't recognize you anymore. You are now a familiar stranger that stands before me."

"I Believe" List

      It is April, which means that there is only one more month until school is out for the summer and I get to move out of my apartment in San Francisco and move back home! I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that I will be moving back home. My life is over there and I want to continue to live it to the fullest! I have grown so much these past four years that I have been living in the city attending SF State. I have made a lot of friends, ended friendships, mended a broken heart, fell in love, was inspired, felt uninspired... I feel like I have gone through a range of emotions and it feels so good to know that I have conquered so much and that my time here has not been a waste. I know that the life lessons I have learned from past and present friends and teachers that I respect will stick with me for the rest of my life and I will soon teach them to  my future students. 

     I have had to learn to deal with the competitive nature of others lately. How do you deal with competitive situations in your life? For me, I had to make a decision to just stop, take a deep breath and trust my own instincts and remind myself of  what I believe in. 

     I believe in myself

     I believe in my family

     I believe in my relationship with Jason

      I believe in Grace and know that she can be whatever she wants to be in this life

      I believe in myself as a teacher

      I believe in Performing Arts Studio and its purpose in this universe

      I believe in angels

      I believe that my Nanny and Grandpa George are angels and continue to watch over all of us

      I believe that good conquers evil

      I believe in love

      I believe that people change and don't always stay in your life

      I believe that music makes you feel better

      I believe that everyone has the right to find love

      I believe that not everyone is good, there are some cold hearted people in the world

      I believe in myself and my own goals 

      I believe in change

      I believe in theatre

      I believe in visualizing something and having it happen

  I want you to take out something where you can jot down your ideas and create an "I believe" list.  What do you know to be true in your life? Once you have figured out all the things that are true to you, all the stuff that you are confused by or do not know how to handle will start to make sense in a way. You'll have a better grasp on what it is that you need to figure out. 

  Life is about trusting yourself and your own ideas. People in this life can be vicious. They can try to take thing away from you and copy all of your own thoughts... but do not let them. It is that simple! BE who you are and stay true to yourself and the rest will fall into place! TRUST yourself. DO what you love. and LET GO of any hatred your may hold. If you are not happy, change it. Your life is too short and too precious to not be doing something you love.

The Constant vs. the Distant Memory

 I am having a difficult time lately with friendships. There. I said it. As I look around I always find the same friends surrounding me. In my life so far, I have had a lot of friendships. High School friendships, summer friendships, College friendships... and most of the people that I once considered my friends are no longer in my life. That is fine, it really is. I understand that life is all about change and people floating in and out of your life. 

    
Lately I have been thinking about the people that are always and will always be in my life, the constants. I can easily count them on two hands. They are the friends that I can go days, months even years without seeing, but then once I see them again it is as if nothing has changed... you know who you are.  We are just always there for one another, it is an unsaid thing.

 I also have the friendships where I know that if I did not put forth the effort then we would no longer be in each others lives anymore. I am frustrated because I have grown tired to always being the one to make the effort. It makes me sad because friendship should not have to be about "effort" it should be about carelessness and ease.
  
 It is just so fascinating to me how someone can be in your life as a constant, but then all of a sudden you change or they change or life changes and they go from being a constant to a distant memory.
   
It makes me feel like the distant memory friendships are not worth it when I know that I have pretty amazing constants in my life. Is it worth it?
  
 This blog is dedicated to the constants in my life. I appreciate you and the love you give me eternally. I hope you know that every time we are apart I look forward to our next meeting.
  
 I want you to take the time to think about the people in your life. Are you a friend that stays connected with people or are you the one that never makes the effort? Which one do you want to be? Do you want to sit down with an old friend and say to them, "I haven't talked with so and so for ages!" Or "I do not know what happened?" or do you want to sit down with a close friend and say, "I just talked with so"  or "I just text messaged so and so and they are doing great." I know which one I want to be... now it is time for you to make your own choice.


Remember, just a friendly text message saying, "hope you have a good day" goes a long way.