It can start with a picture. Hello 2016!

      

This year for my end of the year post I am starting with a picture. 

I came across the above picture when I was browsing the internet and I fell in love with it. I love how the girl in this picture is free! I love how she is exactly who she is and is exactly doing what she wants to be doing in the moment that this picture was taken. I feel that when I am at my best; when I am feeling the most like myself I am much like the girl in this picture. I think we all are.

I think all of us have an inner light inside of us that can be ignited by our own excitement! 

With 2016 fast approaching I find myself feeling very breezy about it. I am not feeling too excited and eager for this upcoming year, but I am also not feeling too negative and pessimistic about it. I am just in between. The spot right smack dab in the middle that says, "I am ready for the days to come, I am fully aware of all that could happen, good and bad. I will hope for the good and pray for the best! Here goes nothin!" Thats how I feel. I feel like I am just going to hope for a year full of growth and change in a positive way. I will pray everyday for good health for myself and my loved ones. That is all I can do. All I can do is pray for a healthy, positive and satisfactory year.

This past year I started going to therapy. I do not know why I have been so against it in the past. I have always felt like I already had a support group made up of my family and friends that could help me with my worries and my problems when I needed it. I always felt like I wouldn't know what to say to a complete stranger or I worried that I didn't have enough to say. It looks like I was mistaken. I am so glad that I started going to someone that has an objective opinion, that could really help me through some of my darkest moments and give me insight that I had never even thought of before. I have had to relive a lot of what happened to me 3 years ago, I have had to dig deep to figure out what makes my worry ad anxiety kick in. These are things I am still working on, but I do feel like I am figuring it all out slowly. If anything, I am walking away from 2015 knowing that I put in time for myself and that I am always going to be working on myself and how I can better the way I react to certain situations. I am leaving 2015 in the past, but taking the self improvement along with me in the year ahead.  I am looking forward to entering 2016 knowing that I will continue to work towards bettering myself. I know that there is change on the horizon and I know that the work I put into 2015 Amanda, will only help in 2016 Amanda. 

My hopes for 2016 are simple. I ask for health. I ask for growth. I ask for my "worry Amanda self" to continue to dissipate to make room for my true "powerful Amanda self". I ask for the continued love in my life and I want to open up the door for even more love to come in.  I ask for strength through the rough days and smiles through the good days. 

I am determined to make 2016 all about the picture I found. It's time to be free. It's time to be exactly the way I want to be in any given moment. It is time to turn the page and continue my story. 

HAPPY 2016 EVERYONE! 

#newyearnewme2016

Three Years.

      I hate that you hurt me. I hate that you still hurt me. I hate that the memories I have are still there. I hate that you don't think you did anything wrong. I hate. I hate. I hate. These emotions have been inside of me for three years. In just a few short weeks it will be the anniversary of the storm that came through. Over these past three years you would think I would know what to call it. I could call it what the Newspapers called it, "The (insert last name here) Situation" or I could call it what my close friends call it, "The F***** Up Situation" or I could keep calling it "the day that my whole world changed." No matter what you want to refer to it as, it happened and although it was already three years ago, it was still only three years ago. I do not think I will be able to "let this one go". I mean I will "let it go" and I have "let it go" and I have "moved on," but it doesn't change the fact that it is something that lives inside of me. It is an experience that I will never fully forget and just push aside. So, I have decided to just "Let it be."
        It was an unfortunate thing to have happened, and it happened to many people, yes, but most importantly I have to make very clear that most importantly it happened to me. It was a deliberate decision, it was something that I was completely blind sided with and the fear I still have of being completely blind sided again is a living thing that happens in my heart and mind daily. 
    Even though it was three years ago, I still have to take deep breathes when I start remembering that time, I still need to go to therapy and constantly hash out the hurt that I felt, I still need to remind myself that my life is not that anymore, and that I have worked hard to get to the life I have now. 
     I have been very anxious as of late. I have been feeling overwhelmed and like I can't quite catch my breath. It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized that I always start to feel a little extra anxious this time of year. Three years ago from this moment, everything was just about to stop and reveal itself. Three years ago today from this moment I thought I was happy. I thought my life was headed in a certain direction... and then BOOM! MAJOR PLOT TWIST!!!!! This time of year I always suffer from Post Traumatic Stress... I relive the moments leading up to the "situation" and I feel my body start to freak out. I start remembering that girl as a puddle on the floor and I feel sad for her. It takes everything inside of me to focus my energy on the good and the growth, but like I said, it takes everything inside of me to stay strong. 
    My break up was in no ways normal. It started off as a sereal dream that was kept somewhat private and it turned into a massive story that not only effected me, but my family and my entire community. But alas, three years later I look around and I see the growth and positive change it brought and I become appreciative. If none of that happened, I wouldn't be who I am today surrounded by the people I am surrounded by. Even though I have anxiety I am very very grateful and quite honestly if I were to ever see my ex on the street I would probably go up to him and say a huge "Thank You." Because even though what he put me through was completely dreadful, I grew from it and I learned and evolved. I know deep down that the bad things that happen to us in life are meant to help us down a different direction and are meant to bring good. I get it. I also know that it is a really hard concept to fully believe and put faith into. It's a process and I have to keep sharing my feelings because it is one of the ways I am able to heal. I need to keep writing because it keeps me honest. I need to keep telling my tale because if I am able to help at least one person because of what I went though, than it is all worth it. 
     Thank you to those of you that have truly stuck by me over the past three years. You have truly helped me get through some of my darkest days and not a day goes by where I don't realize how fortunate I am to have such amazing people in my life. And I know you know who you are, so thank you. I HAVE grown from all of this, and I will continue to grow and mature into the Amanda Leigh that is destined to be. I just have to keep remembering that it is a healing process and even though it seems a long time ago, it really wasn't all that long ago. I am grateful to have made it to the three year mark, but I also recognize that it has only been three years and I have to allow myself to feel the yucky feelings sometimes. Each day will continue to get better and I will keep trying to put trust in the Universe that all of this was for my highest good and the highest good of others around me. It'll all be well. As Dory says from Finding Nemo, "Just Keep Swimming.... Just Keep Swimming... Just Keep Swimming Swimming Swimming..."

Hello 26!

   My Birthday has been absolutely amazing. Yesterday (the day before my birthday) Michael took me on the most fabulous surprise adventure! He told me to keep the entire day clear! I was so excited to spend the day with him and to not have to worry about anything. My only hint about our special day was that I would have something to eat, to do and to see.

    In the morning we went to a fabulous brunch at The Cliff House in San Francisco. I have never eaten like this before! Everything was just cooked perfectly! A feast for a Queen!!! I loved every minute of it! Then, we went indoor sky diving at iFly! It was SO MUCH FUN! I have always wanted to go skydiving, but after doing this activity, I feel like my desire to really skydive has been diminished, which I am sure makes my family happy... haha! I don't think they were too thrilled about me wanting to jump out of an airplane! Now, I feel like I know what it feels like to fly... and let me tell you, I have a better appreciation for birds and the hard work that goes into flying! After our fun activity, Michael surprised me with AMAZING seats at The Lion King in San Jose!!!!!!!!!! It was such a fun day and I will never forget it! Michael made me feel so special yesterday and I just kept pinching myself because I couldn't believe that this was my life. 

   As I have lived through today, my actual birthday, I have found myself truly soaking up every single moment. I took time to feel what it felt like to have my niece Sadie wrap her little arms around me as I was holding her, I found myself hugging my parents just a little tighter and longer than normal. I found myself feeling grateful for the small moments that I get to spend with my sisters and friends throughout the day. I live a truly blessed life and I am so grateful for all of the love and care I have received all day and every day. 

   I think life is about the small moments. I think it is about taking the time to just appreciate what is around you. I know life is challenging sometimes and sometimes we can feel like we are drowning in a pool full of our own sorrow, but life is still good. The flowers still boom, the sun still shines and the moon still comes out at night to watch over us. 

   As I enter this next chapter of my life as 26 years old, I am going to take the time to focus on the moments that bring a smile to my face. I am going to stay grounded and not let my worry and anxiety get the better of me. I am going to stay courages and brave through tough times and I am going to keep coming from a place of love. I am going to show compassion and understanding and continue to ask questions and keep learning. 

   I am looking forward to seeing what this next year has in store! May it be filled with GREATNESS!!!

The Worry Wart Syndrome.

     I haven't written a post in awhile. It doesn't mean that I haven't had any thoughts I felt worthy of being documented, but I think life has just gotten the best of me lately, and free time has been spent doing other things.... like worrying :) I have found that I have been worrying a lot lately. The thing is though, when I do worry, I know it is silly. I am fully aware that my fear and worry of something horrible happening is ridiculous. I know that the reality of things are pretty good, and that what I worry about probably and most likely will not happen. I don't know if it's a control thing, or if it's because I have a wild imagination, but I am a really amazing worrier. Maybe that's it? Maybe we look at our faults and twist them around to be positive.  Just imagine talking to someone, "Oh, you're handwriting is perfect and you live in a beautiful house and drive an amazing car? Well, I've got you beat because I am the best worrier I know!" I think it could work! 

   

     I have been worrying about being a worrier for sometime now and it helps me to know that I am not alone. I think worry lives in all of us, some more than others, but I know we all experience that feeling at some point in our daily lives. I wanted to write a list of things that I have found to be helpful to me when I am in a worry tizzy! I find that when I worry I play the "what if" game... and that just doesn't help anyone. An average internal monologue in my head goes something like this, 

   

   "Well, what if I don't hear my alarm in the morning and am late to work? And then what if I get in my car and I realize that my tire is flat! What if I have to spend so much money to get it fixed? What if the car repair place tells me that I not only need a new tire, but I need new breaks, new windows, new engine, new everything! What if I can't pay, so I take up a second job. When the heck am I gonna find time to take up a second job? What if...! What if....! What if...! What if....!" 

     

    Do you see how one could just go crazy? I went from being nervous I wasn't going to hear my alarm, to being poor on the streets with no car and no time for a second job. Worrying is SILLY! It's exhausting! I am truly trying to work on this aspect of my life and I would love to help someone else in need that shares this Worry Wart Syndrome with me (yes, that is a technical name for it... maybe?) Here are just some things I do to help me stay grounded and come back to the reality of things when I let the "what if's" keep my feet off the floor.

Ways to deal with the dreaded Worry Wart Syndrome:

1. close your eyes and take three deep breaths... in.. and out... in and out... in and out..

2. always think of the worst case scenario and decide what is the likelihood of it actually happening.

           example: Worry Wart Amanda: "Oh! I am so scared to teach this class! What if the students hate me and don't believe anything I am telling them?

Grounded Amanda: What's the worst thing that could happen?

                            

                             Worry Wart Amanda: The students could fall asleep or just not show up the next class or just sit there and throw things at me and laugh in my face.

                            

                         Grounded Amanda: Now... what's the percentage of that scenario actually happening?

                              

                               Worry Wart Amanda: Well, actually, now that I think of it, I guess it would be about a 10% chance?

                         

           Grounded Amanda: Very good... now trust yourself, you got this.

3. sit in a chair with your feet firmly planted on the floor, close your eyes, focus on your breath and feel your feet in the floor and think of something positive and beautiful. Breathe in the good energy and breathe out the negative thoughts. Do this for about 30 seconds to 1 minute.  When you open your eyes, you should have a new take on whatever situation you're worrying about, and hopefully you aren't worrying as much!

4. write! write! write! Sometimes we let our imaginations get the better of us, and all the thoughts get stuck in our head and they play on loop over and over again. Well, write it down! Write down all your worries in a notebook or journal (or blog post) and I guarantee you will feel better. I often think that writing just helps get what is in your head out and once it is out, you can move forward.

5. play music! We all have those songs that make us feel happy or bring us back to a time when we felt the most free... listen to that song. It may help you gain some new perspective. 

6. eat a Banana. Seriously. They help with whatever is wrong. Always. 

7. talk to someone! Call up your family member that gives the best advice or talk to your partner in crime! Sometimes just talking things out helps. Don't keep it all in your head. 

8. Drink!!! Water of course! :) I have noticed that when I start to go on one of my "what if" rampages, it sometimes means that my head is foggy and I haven't had enough water. When you feel that cold water go through your body, you start feeling alive and I don't know about you, but it's always a good reminder that we are, in fact, alive. 

9. Hug someone. Well, maybe not a random person on the street, but hug a friend, a family member or your person. Just hug them. They will know that you need it and they will hug you tighter than you have every imagined and you will instantly feel safe. If you have no one to hug.... I will always hug you, so come hug me! :) 

10. Say these two little words.. " LET BE." Let whatever is bothering you, or whatever the situation is be. Bottom line, we can't control anything that happens to us. We can try our hardest to prevent something from happening to us, but we don't know. We really don't know what the final plan is for any of us. We can hope we know, we can keep faith, we can pray, but we don't actually know. So by saying, "LET BE." You are allowing yourself to trust in whatever it is that is happening. Sometimes the hardest stuff we go through in life, makes us the strongest.




Now... if I could only listen to my own advice ;) 

Dear World...

Dear World,
 
    I have been an observer of you for many years, but as of late I have found myself 
much more in touch with my feelings towards you and the people that walk on you. 
First of all, I have to say thank you for being such a glorious place to live on. 
The chirps I hear in the morning from the birds, the way the wind brushes lightly against my 
skin and the way the sun kisses my cheeks are moments in time and feelings that I will always 
hold close to my heart.
 
     I wanted to write to you today about mankind and human nature that encompass my world. 
Lately, I have found myself  getting really invested and irritated at other people. I have found that 
social media is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. It acts as a wonderful thing so people 
can share and keep in touch with one another, but it also acts as a way to boast, to create drama, 
to put on a fake persona.
     It is so funny to me because there are people that I absolutely  
cannot stand on social media, but in person can find them to be absolutely lovely.  
I wish there was a way to make people become less egotistical, less boastful and less
 irritating on social media. In person if we walked around the way we do on our facebook pages,
 I do not know if I could live on this world anymore, I would probably be joining the people 
going to Mars. I find that people are forgetting about the importance of personal contact.       
 
     Instead of texting, call. Instead of writing vague posts because you don't want anyone to 
really know what's going on, then just don't write anything at all or talk to a close friend about 
how you're feeling, or better yet...create blog;) OR write it down in a journal.
   
    All relationships are about communication. If healthy communication is lost, then 
forget about holding on to something meaningful.
 
     It's an interesting business that I am a part of, the world of Theatre. 
Us theatre folk make it our world. We live and breathe it and somewhere we get it into our head
 that we have to make it our number one priority in order to survive as humans.
 We make it our world. When one company does a show, we go to support the show,
 but all the while we are thinking in our heads how we would have done it differently,
 where we would have probably done it better. Even if you don't admit it, we all do it a little bit. 
Why can't we just go and enjoy it for what it is? 
If someone is putting on a show you just finished somewhere else, 
you can't help but feel a little envious and stepped upon. 
As if now someone else is taking from you what you received from that experience that you
 just went through. We have the mentality of "oh, well ours is better" or if you're on the other side 
of it, "oh, ours will be better than theirs." Why can't they both be good?
 Why can't they stand on their own as both really amazing experiences? 
We talk, we judge, we boast, but then once someone or people are in need 
we drop everything and are there. We get that we have to lean on one another in order to 
keep what we love alive, it is a hard business and you want to have as much support as you can. 
We are a part of our own world that is filled with a complexity of emotions. 
I find that social media doesn't always help our world. 
I find that it is easy to become offended and hurt by what others say. 
I wish that I could say that we are always in support of one another. 
I wish I could say that and really believe it. I am tired of spider talk. 
I am tired of the feeling of being judged. Why can't we just take a moment, 
put down our phones and enjoy the nature around us.
 Listen to the birds, feel the sun on your face and experience the life that is living around you. 
There is more to life than what you do. There is more to life than you're thoughts and 
the gossip of the world. There is more to life than what we even realize.
 
   As a teacher of this art form, I find it important to make sure each student, 
no matter the age, realize that life is more than theatre. 
I want my students to see the beauty of the world and take their own life experiences and 
use that on the stage. I want them to tell their stories from a truthful place. I want them to 
grow up in a community that supports, does not boast, and has good intentions by each thought 
they manifest into the world.
 
   So World, I am going to make it my personal goal to not feel stepped on by others. 
I am going to not let the words of others on social media make me feel the feelings of anger
 or insecurity. I promise that for every negative thought I have, I will say out loud three positive
 things to make up for it. I promise to live my life enjoying other things and keep finding new 
"thrills"of life. I will listen to the birds, the wind and the silence around me because that will 
keep me on track of my goals and intentions. I really do love the community that I have
 been a part of my entire life, I just want there to be no more negativity and more 
gratefulness and awareness that we are all in the same boat and all in this together.  
Awareness is key and I think for me personally, if I am more aware and stay in a healthy 
place with my thoughts, than my own personal world will become even brighter. 
You are more than welcome to join me.

Thank you for listening World. I just couldn't sit in silence any longer.


Yours Truly,
Amanda Leigh

Observations on the World.

    Trust. We all have a desire to feel safe whether it be in a relationship with your parents, siblings, or significant other. We want to feel that feeling of trust and like we could do or say anything and have the knowledge that it will all be ok. I have been an observer as of late. I have noticed that the idea of wanting to trust the people you surround yourself with in life is a common desire amongst everyone really. This feeling starts when we are babies. We want to feel safe with who is holding us and where we are at all moments. I have noticed that my baby niece will now make sad noises when she feels that someone she trusts is walking away, or if someone that she doesn't really know is holding her. She wants to feel safe. This continues on to our younger school years. My niece that is ten years old will hold my hand a little tighter if we walk passed someone she has a "weird feeling" about on the street, or she will talk about school and how she only feels comfortable with particular friends. As we travel forward in life we get into relationships and when we are young we find that we feel the need to know what your partner is doing every moment of every day. We want to know who they are talking to and how they are feeling. As we grow and have the life experiences that hurt us and make us strong, we learn that trust isn't so easy to get. It isn't just going to fall into your lap. You have to work at it. The people around you have to work at it. You have to learn to trust and you have to put faith in others. It's really hard, but once you have it and you feel it, you will feel that safe feeling you longed for when you were young.
     Through my observations in life I have also realized that how we react to certain situations reflect the outcome of the situation. For example, I was driving to work this morning and was sitting at a red light. The turning lane light went green and the car in front of me decided that we were waiting TOO LONG for that green light and he just zoomed into the turning lane to turn and right when he did that my light turned green and I was on my way, not much faster than him. If he had only waited just one more second he would have stuck to his original plan of going straight.
     Life is unfair sometimes, it really is, but if we could just adjust all the feelings of unfairness and the thoughts of "why me?" and change them to feelings of lessons and thoughts of "this will only make me stronger" then our whole attitude would change. It isn't about what happens to you in life, it is about how you choose to react to it. If you're feeling stuck or uncertain or lost or neglected find a way to help yourself. Put that trust that you desire in yourself. Trust yourself. Yourself will never ever ever steer you wrong.
     Trust. Trust your feelings, your emotions and attitude. Trust that you will always have the courage to do what is right for you.