Three Years.

      I hate that you hurt me. I hate that you still hurt me. I hate that the memories I have are still there. I hate that you don't think you did anything wrong. I hate. I hate. I hate. These emotions have been inside of me for three years. In just a few short weeks it will be the anniversary of the storm that came through. Over these past three years you would think I would know what to call it. I could call it what the Newspapers called it, "The (insert last name here) Situation" or I could call it what my close friends call it, "The F***** Up Situation" or I could keep calling it "the day that my whole world changed." No matter what you want to refer to it as, it happened and although it was already three years ago, it was still only three years ago. I do not think I will be able to "let this one go". I mean I will "let it go" and I have "let it go" and I have "moved on," but it doesn't change the fact that it is something that lives inside of me. It is an experience that I will never fully forget and just push aside. So, I have decided to just "Let it be."
        It was an unfortunate thing to have happened, and it happened to many people, yes, but most importantly I have to make very clear that most importantly it happened to me. It was a deliberate decision, it was something that I was completely blind sided with and the fear I still have of being completely blind sided again is a living thing that happens in my heart and mind daily. 
    Even though it was three years ago, I still have to take deep breathes when I start remembering that time, I still need to go to therapy and constantly hash out the hurt that I felt, I still need to remind myself that my life is not that anymore, and that I have worked hard to get to the life I have now. 
     I have been very anxious as of late. I have been feeling overwhelmed and like I can't quite catch my breath. It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized that I always start to feel a little extra anxious this time of year. Three years ago from this moment, everything was just about to stop and reveal itself. Three years ago today from this moment I thought I was happy. I thought my life was headed in a certain direction... and then BOOM! MAJOR PLOT TWIST!!!!! This time of year I always suffer from Post Traumatic Stress... I relive the moments leading up to the "situation" and I feel my body start to freak out. I start remembering that girl as a puddle on the floor and I feel sad for her. It takes everything inside of me to focus my energy on the good and the growth, but like I said, it takes everything inside of me to stay strong. 
    My break up was in no ways normal. It started off as a sereal dream that was kept somewhat private and it turned into a massive story that not only effected me, but my family and my entire community. But alas, three years later I look around and I see the growth and positive change it brought and I become appreciative. If none of that happened, I wouldn't be who I am today surrounded by the people I am surrounded by. Even though I have anxiety I am very very grateful and quite honestly if I were to ever see my ex on the street I would probably go up to him and say a huge "Thank You." Because even though what he put me through was completely dreadful, I grew from it and I learned and evolved. I know deep down that the bad things that happen to us in life are meant to help us down a different direction and are meant to bring good. I get it. I also know that it is a really hard concept to fully believe and put faith into. It's a process and I have to keep sharing my feelings because it is one of the ways I am able to heal. I need to keep writing because it keeps me honest. I need to keep telling my tale because if I am able to help at least one person because of what I went though, than it is all worth it. 
     Thank you to those of you that have truly stuck by me over the past three years. You have truly helped me get through some of my darkest days and not a day goes by where I don't realize how fortunate I am to have such amazing people in my life. And I know you know who you are, so thank you. I HAVE grown from all of this, and I will continue to grow and mature into the Amanda Leigh that is destined to be. I just have to keep remembering that it is a healing process and even though it seems a long time ago, it really wasn't all that long ago. I am grateful to have made it to the three year mark, but I also recognize that it has only been three years and I have to allow myself to feel the yucky feelings sometimes. Each day will continue to get better and I will keep trying to put trust in the Universe that all of this was for my highest good and the highest good of others around me. It'll all be well. As Dory says from Finding Nemo, "Just Keep Swimming.... Just Keep Swimming... Just Keep Swimming Swimming Swimming..."