The Silent Victim. Possible Book Title.

    I write to be honest. I write so that my truth can be heard. Life is ever-changing. We are always evolving as human beings and we are always learning. No matter the age, we are all here to learn and grow. I am almost approaching my two year mark from the day that changed my life, and you know what? I can honestly say that it does get better, but it doesn't get easier. I think back on that situation and that time in my life and I still get angry. Even now, when I am so beyond happy in my life and so in love and so at peace with everything, I still find moments when pure anger and sadness overwhelm me and I never really know how to handle it. I get angry because now being in a very healthy relationship, I see how messed up the old one was. I see the manipulation that happened, I see how messed up it all really was. Three and a half years of my life, just messed up. I then, find myself looking at the big picture, I almost go out of my body and see myself, the way I was in those three and a half years and I feel sad for that girl, that girl that is me. I get so emotional. I feel somewhat sad for my inner self, my inner child if you will. I get so angry when I think that all of that could have been avoided if I just didn't go down that road, but then on the flip side, I would not be who I am today if none of that happened to me. And yes, it happened to me. There are a lot of stories for this one story, and many victims, but I am the silent victim. And I think people forget that. I think people in my life forget that. I see pictures, I see videos I see things. I see things that boggle my mind. Do I mind it? No. I really don't. What I do mind is what occurred. What I do mind is the hurt that was given. What I do mind is even though through all the pain and all the discomfort that the one person that was at the helm of everything, that caused all of this chaos  still doesn't see that what happened was wrong. That boggles my mind. I know this might be a defense mechanism and I know that this is an idea that will not change and I know that I cannot change anything about this. I know that I just need to accept it as fact and move forward. And I have moved forward. I really have, I just have moments I guess when it all just comes rushing back to me and I grow angry for my past self and I feel protective of her in a way. Some may think why am I still talking about this incident since we are approaching the two year mark, and my answer to you is that yes, it was almost two years ago, but I was a victim. I am the silent victim and it still affects me daily.  It affects the way I think now, I have to constiently be readjusting my mind to look into the present moment and not get scared and push awesome things and people away because of my past and the mind manipulation that occurred. I have to constantly still be around some of the people that were involved and hear about them all the time. So yes I will still keep talking about it. It was a huge thing and it is therapeutic for me to write. I look back on my life two years ago and I think of all the headaches I got, all the anxiety attacks that came to me and I can't believe that I didn't leave sooner. I can't believe that I stayed as long as I did. The Amanda now, would never stand for that. So I guess you could say that I have gotten stronger.
    I had somewhat of a "relapse" today. Something small happened that triggered some deep emotion inside of me and I hadn't felt that in a long time. I realize now that it was just that, a trigger. It made me full of emotion. I felt angry that I even think the way I do sometimes, but I also felt so relieved that I am happy and healthy and alive again. I feel so alive, not once do I feel that dead feeling. I am Amanda Leigh again and if I had to go through what I went through to find Amanda Leigh then I would do it again in a heartbeat. But, I will never forget what happened. I will never understand why it happened. I will never truly get the closure I want…. and that is ok. I will just keep moving forward and when these moments like I had today occur, I will just let it happen, because I am the silent victim and I am starting to feel like it is time to speak up a little more. I am starting to feel like it is time to really tell my story. I truly feel that we all have a story to tell. We all have something that happens to us that is life changing. We all go through something, some of us go through many things. I feel my story and my writing and my truth would help someone. If I could just reach out and help at least one person because of my story, I know that I would have done my job and all of it would have been worth it. I will continue to write more truthfully, looking forward to seeing where this leads.

A Challenge. If You Choose To Accept It.

     It is August 14th. Today I decided to live my life to the fullest. I decided not to let the little things get to me. I decided to not let other people's negative energy affect me. I decided to live my life selflessly and freely. I think it worked. 

     

    The other day I was realizing I was being too negative and I was allowing other things affect my own self. I found that my days were long and I was feeling too anxious about certain things, things that were unnecessary and things that I couldn't change. Yesterday I woke up and decided that for every negative thought I had for that day, I would need to think of 3 positive things. I woke up thinking of my 3 positives and because I did that, my day was drastically better. 

     Today, on August 14th, I am proud to say that I feel like my little game is working. Every time a negative emotion has entered my being, it has quickly gone away. I find that the ones that were bothering me so much, aren't so much anymore, or the thoughts that I had aren't as negative as they once were. I found that the other key to a much happier day is finding ways to live in the moment. I often get too bogged down by plans and I often feel like I need to have an exact plan for every moment of every day. By living more positively and by believing in the unknown, I find that I don't get as anxious. I am learning that it is a little more fun to let the day unfold for you. It's like having nice little surprises throughout your day!

     I challenge you to look at your days, and if you're feeling like you are stuck in a rut or if you're being too negative or gossiping too much or being too paranoid about stuff, then try and find a way to change your ways. Sometimes all you need is a shift in thinking or a shift of attitude. 

     Not everyone or everything is against you. You just need to come from a genuine place first and foremost. Once you are truthful and honest within your days, your whole world could change around you…. in a POSITIVE way :) 

    

    Now, the question is, are you BRAVE ENOUGH to accept my challenge? ;) 

*Amanda Leigh.