If I were to...

        I found myself walking the halls of my old high school the other day, no one else was around, it was just me and these ghost like memories. The minute my feet touched the pavement to the entrance of the school I was immediately placed right back into that time in my life. I thought about what kind of person I was. I saw myself as a nervous wreck. I wanted to be liked so much. I wanted to feel accepted so much that it all just seemed too hard. I had friends, I was nice to everyone that came my way, but I was always a little bit lost. I had big dreams, but my doubts always got in the way of it all. I had crushes, but I was always too scared to act upon them because I was afraid of the let down. I walked down each hallway and thought about the woman I was now. I saw myself as someone that has been through battle and still manages to put a smile on her face. I saw a strong woman. I felt strong. Walking through those halls I felt strong.
  
      My imagination drifted and I thought to myself, “If I were to run into my younger self in these hallways, what would I say to her?” The answer instantly came to me. It was so easy. I would look into the lost, eager eyes of my younger self and tell her to lose all doubts. I would tell her to have faith in what the universe has planned. I would tell her how amazingly strong she is and to not lose sight of that. I would warn her about what is to come, but I would tell her to not stray from making the same decisions I made. I would tell her to choose to go to SF and not Seattle. I would tell her that a young man would enter her life and make her feel things that she didn’t know she could feel.  I would tell her to trust her instincts and to fall for him. I would say, “Amanda Leigh, he will break your heart in ways you could never imagine, and mess with your family and your life in ways that you never thought were possible, but go for it. You will grow so much from that experience and it will only make you the person you are. Do not miss out on that opportunity.” The truth is, I didn't die from it, I survived, so.... what was the real harm from going down that road? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... right?

       I imagine looking at my younger self and seeing hope. That hope that I knew I had when I was her. There was always this hope that was inside of me that felt like all would just work out the way it was planned to and even though sometimes I felt lost and out of my element, I never lost that hope and I still haven’t lost that hope. My heart has gone through a lot, but through all the disappointment and all the times something that could have been magnificent didn’t work out, I still have never lost that feeling of hope. I found peace in this imaginary talk with my younger self. In some ways, the advice I would have shared with her, was important advice for me to remember now. I am not sure why timing and life works out the way it does, but the truth is... it does. Life happens, timing is everything and all we can do is trust. Its hard to put so much trust out there in the unknown when you feel like you aren’t getting the validation you need, but its what we have to do. Each and every day I find it a bit easier to let go and just surrender to what is. I know all of the ups and the downs are part of this journey I am on, and every person that has entered my life are acting as teachers and teaching me something about life or myself or my feelings. Im grateful for the lessons I have learned thus far and for the teachers that have been there. I now open my doors to more teachers to enter my life. Perhaps one day, one of these teachers, will choose to stay and be in my life for a long time. We shall see... faith, trust and a little pixie dust can go a long way. ;)