I found myself walking the halls of my old high school the other day, no one else was around, it was just me and these ghost like memories. The minute my feet touched the pavement to the entrance of the school I was immediately placed right back into that time in my life. I thought about what kind of person I was. I saw myself as a nervous wreck. I wanted to be liked so much. I wanted to feel accepted so much that it all just seemed too hard. I had friends, I was nice to everyone that came my way, but I was always a little bit lost. I had big dreams, but my doubts always got in the way of it all. I had crushes, but I was always too scared to act upon them because I was afraid of the let down. I walked down each hallway and thought about the woman I was now. I saw myself as someone that has been through battle and still manages to put a smile on her face. I saw a strong woman. I felt strong. Walking through those halls I felt strong.
My imagination drifted and I thought to myself, “If I were to run into my younger self in these hallways, what would I say to her?” The answer instantly came to me. It was so easy. I would look into the lost, eager eyes of my younger self and tell her to lose all doubts. I would tell her to have faith in what the universe has planned. I would tell her how amazingly strong she is and to not lose sight of that. I would warn her about what is to come, but I would tell her to not stray from making the same decisions I made. I would tell her to choose to go to SF and not Seattle. I would tell her that a young man would enter her life and make her feel things that she didn’t know she could feel. I would tell her to trust her instincts and to fall for him. I would say, “Amanda Leigh, he will break your heart in ways you could never imagine, and mess with your family and your life in ways that you never thought were possible, but go for it. You will grow so much from that experience and it will only make you the person you are. Do not miss out on that opportunity.” The truth is, I didn't die from it, I survived, so.... what was the real harm from going down that road? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... right?
I imagine looking at my younger self and seeing hope. That hope that I knew I had when I was her. There was always this hope that was inside of me that felt like all would just work out the way it was planned to and even though sometimes I felt lost and out of my element, I never lost that hope and I still haven’t lost that hope. My heart has gone through a lot, but through all the disappointment and all the times something that could have been magnificent didn’t work out, I still have never lost that feeling of hope. I found peace in this imaginary talk with my younger self. In some ways, the advice I would have shared with her, was important advice for me to remember now. I am not sure why timing and life works out the way it does, but the truth is... it does. Life happens, timing is everything and all we can do is trust. Its hard to put so much trust out there in the unknown when you feel like you aren’t getting the validation you need, but its what we have to do. Each and every day I find it a bit easier to let go and just surrender to what is. I know all of the ups and the downs are part of this journey I am on, and every person that has entered my life are acting as teachers and teaching me something about life or myself or my feelings. Im grateful for the lessons I have learned thus far and for the teachers that have been there. I now open my doors to more teachers to enter my life. Perhaps one day, one of these teachers, will choose to stay and be in my life for a long time. We shall see... faith, trust and a little pixie dust can go a long way. ;)
Last November 3rd I had no idea what that day would bring. I woke up, got dressed and got ready for my two show day of Joseph. Everything seemed like it was all fine and I was excited to get to the Theatre and spend the day with my Joseph family. A few hours before our call time at the theatre I got a phone call, a phone call that would soon change the course of my day. Last November 3rd I remember being a puddle of tears on the floor, I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start over.
I remember closing my eyes and getting in touch with my inner self, I hadn't seen her in awhile. I remember listening to her, for the first time in a long time I listened to what my inner self was telling me. She told me that this was just the beginning, she told me that there was so much more out there for me. I decided right then and there that I would not let what happened to me define me, I would, instead, let it strengthen me. I would learn from it and take what I learned throughout the next year and use it to help others around me.
This November 3rd I find myself feeling grateful. I feel like I have almost crossed the finish line. I feel like the journey I have gone on with myself has been worthwhile. I am so happy that I stood up and picked up the pieces. I have decided that today I would sit down and make a list of what I have learned this year. Some have been big lessons, some have been small, but each lesson has made me the person I am right now, in this moment.
I am looking forward to seeing what the next year brings! Bring it on!
Things I have learned this year:
-family will always be there
-it's ok to try online dating
-you learn a lot about the type of person you see by the way you handle yourself on a bad date
-taking a walk and being around nature will always always make you feel better
-let yourself feel the feelings that you feel
-crying is a really wonderful, healing thing
-don't be afraid to say what's on your mind, you'll get your answer easier that way
-no matter how sad you wake up feeling a shower will make you feel more put together and ready to tackle the day
-blasting Firework and singing to it at the top of your lungs while dancing, of course, is always a good idea
-if an opportunity jumps at you. Take it. It's the universes way of helping you
-trust your first instincts
-if you have asthma or get a lot of headaches, your body might be telling you something
-A friend that sees you at your worse and at your best is worth keeping around
-a best friend that holds your hand while you're saying goodbye to someone you love is a treasure
-traveling on your own and going on adventures with yourself is so much fun
-being true to who you are will get you through anything
-your Dad can be your best friend
-your Mom can be your guiding light
-your sisters can hold you close when you feel most alone and afraid
-your brother in law can make you the best video that reminds you how lucky you are and can cheer you up at any time!
-time spent with your niece can bring pure happiness and hope into your heart.
-the media misconstrues everything, and does not take the time to get the real story
-truth will prevail, good conquers evil always.
-sometimes a mango tango at masimos is all you need
-writing your thoughts out daily in a journal will change your life
-on a first date never say you will do dinner AND a show...
-on a first date if they come carrying a large Trader Joes bag and you have no idea what's inside...RUN
-one chocolate chip cookie can flip your day from bad to good
-opening your heart up again is challenging, but worth it
-every experience with someone teaches you what you want and what you deserve
-Traveling to Disneyland is always a good idea
-in hard times you really see who your true friends are
-it's ok to let people go
-singing Big Spender as Babs is a memory that will last forever
-sometimes traveling to an unfamiliar place with new people will end up bringing you closer to who you are and will introduce you to long lasting friendships
-sweater dresses can make you feel better
-we have contracts with one another and when our time is done with them, when we have both taught eachother everything that needs to be taught, then it's time to walk away from one another. We are here to grow and learn, always ask yourself if what is going on in your life is for your "highest good." If it is, then great! If not, then it might be time to walk away.
-you are never alone.
-you can't really change what happens to you. All you can do is decide how you react with what happens to you.
