I hold so much resentment and grudges that it is just unhealthy. I wish I could be more like my Mom who is able to let things go and move forward. I know that would be the mature thing to do, but for some reason something is holding me back. My thoughts and my memories hold me back. Even as I write this I start to feel the anger build up inside of me.
I love my family. I love my family so much that I feel protective over them. I always feel like I need to watch their backs and fight off evil. I think this is where all the grudges and resentment comes from. I not only hold grudges of my own, but also of my family, the girl who was mean to my sister in High School, or the so called "friend" that you can not trust anymore or the person you have known for a long time that you are convinced is delusional. I do not know if it is because I am the youngest so I feel the need to nurture and care for my loved ones or if it because my name means "lovable" so I have an instinct to love my family unconditionally; whatever the reason is I need to learn how to let things go. I need to control how I feel towards the people I do not like. I mean, there are people in this world I do not like, don't you not like some people? I think that is human nature, we do not have to like or be friends with everybody we dont want to be! Right?
There is a phrase I try to live by, or used to live be, and that is the phrase "let be." Hamlet says it to his friend Horatio at the end of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Horatio is reminding Hamlet of all the bad things there are to come and Hamlet just looks at Horatio and says, "let be." That is what I need to do. Where is my Hamlet to tell me to "let be?" I need to take in a deep breath and just "let be" I need to allow the feelings I have to dissipate and remove itself from my soul.
Lately I have learned to ONLY trust my family, and by family I mean immediate family. Yes, my immediate family. I know I always somehow bring these blog posts back to my Grandpa, but I learned a lot when I watched him take his last few breathes. Most of my family was surrounding him, if there was one thing he taught me while he was alive is that family is the most important thing. And as my mom, dad, sisters, cousins, aunt and uncle all held hands around his bed telling him to "let go." or "let be" if you will I felt the trust and the loyalty one should have for a family.
I guess the bottom line is anyone can act like they are all "chummy chummy", but in reality, its just going to be us, MY family standing at the finish line with ME. We are going to be the ones that are going to be there for one another in the end.
I need to LET IT GO and just BE! If you have any suggestions for me that would be amazing. I would appreciate it!
Have you read any books by Marianne Williamson? I find her thoughts on how to view other people (from family and friends to strangers and folks we find challenging) calming and inspiring. She also has some good stuff on itunes. But most all, I think things like this just take practice. It's like a mental workout - it takes time to build the patience/compassion muscle. :)
ReplyDeleteFirst off the only person you can count on is yourself! And if you make a point to take care of yourself, you don't have time to worry about anyone else. You cannot save your family from crappy people (there are too many crappy people to look out for). You have to have the courage to let your family learn on there own. Everyone falls, you cannot stop it from happening, what you CAN do is be there to help them get back up again. Take care Amanda, you will figure things out!
ReplyDeleteWho are we to guide you? You have all the guidance you need inside you... that's why you feel negative thoughts about these people/things in your life. These negative feelings are telling you "Hey! Stop being around this. this is bad for you." Never doubt your instincts... there are here to show you the path.
ReplyDeleteyou need not get upset by them... no more than you get upset at the exit signs on the freeway. They are just telling you where to go.
Once you've started to look at them as "helping hands" you can start to shift how you feel. Looking at how it makes you feel and say "how does it make me feel? What other things in my life are making me feel like this? what can I do to make myself feel better? Where can I focus my attention on the things that I love and drive my passion?" and each time you feel that little inkling of negativity, you have to stop and focus your attention on something you love. It is never easy to train your thoughts... it is just a habit, though. Habits are formed through practice.
Learn to appreciate these feelings for what they are... true guidance.
Thank you all very much for your advice. I will take what each of you said to heart! Even after writing out my thoughts I feel better. Thank you all for your true friendship, it means a lot. :)
ReplyDelete