Captain of my own ship

       I leave for Disneyland tomorrow and I am very excited! This trip marks the start of my amazing summer. I will be going on fun trips here and there and teaching my very first acting class! As I start to prepare for that I find myself feeling so thankful for the life that I have lived so far. For all the complaining I do sometimes I really do realize that I am a very very very lucky girl. I have been given so many great opportunities and those opportunities have made me the person I am today. As I think back on my life thus far I think of what it was exactly that helped me grow and figure out who I am. Really only one thing comes to my mind and that is Young REP. I have been doing Young REP since I was twelve years old and I have had some amazing teachers and mentors along the way. I had really great training for not only my theatre work but also for my life. I grew as an artist and person along with my peers who I still keep in contact with. I made real friendships there and I treasure them in a different way I do others. I feel honored that I get to pass on what I have learned from Young REP  this summer with my own class and try to inspire them in the same way I was inspired. 
      Life is so funny, it really is just so funny. Lately I have found myself transitioning and changing into somebody. I am going to be somebody. A while ago, my sister met a psychic that helped her in her life, I met her and when she met me she told me that I didnt know my full potential., that I didnt know what I was capable of. At the time I laughed about it, but now that a few years have passed I find myself agreeing completely with what she said. I didnt know all that I could do, I still dont even know if I do, but I am starting to understand a little more each day. I really am capable of a lot, I just need to buckle down and focus.  This is where my Young REP training will come in handy. I need to prepare as much as I can and work as hard as I can and then let go and see what happens.  "Conscious preparation for an unconscious result." (Jim Kirkwood) I am excited for the many adventures that are awaiting me. It makes all the sorrow, all the friendships lost and all the grief I am dealing with seem like nothing. I am the Captain of my own ship ad now it is time to sail away and GO.

Let Be

       I hold so much resentment and grudges that it is just unhealthy. I wish I could be more like my Mom who is able to let things go and move forward. I know that would be the mature thing to do, but for some reason something is holding me back. My thoughts and my memories hold me back. Even as I write this I start to feel the anger build up inside of me.
       I love my family. I love my family so much that I feel protective over them. I always feel like I need to watch their backs and fight off evil. I think this is where all the grudges and resentment comes from. I not only hold grudges of my own, but also of my family, the girl who was mean to my sister in High School, or the so called "friend" that you can not trust anymore or the person you have known for a long time that you are convinced is delusional. I  do not know if it is because I am the youngest so I feel the need to nurture and care for my loved ones or if it because my name means "lovable" so I have an instinct to love my family unconditionally; whatever the reason is I need to learn how to let things go. I need to control how I feel towards the people I do not like. I mean, there are people in this world I do not like, don't you not like some people? I think that is human nature, we do not have to like or be friends with everybody we dont want to be! Right?
       There is a phrase I try to live by, or used to live be,  and that is the phrase "let be." Hamlet says it to his friend Horatio at the end of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Horatio is reminding Hamlet of all the bad things there are to come and Hamlet just looks at Horatio and says, "let be." That is what I need to do. Where is my Hamlet to tell me to "let be?" I need to take in a deep breath and just "let be" I need to allow the feelings I have to dissipate and remove itself from my soul.
       Lately I have learned to ONLY trust my family, and by family I mean immediate family. Yes, my immediate family. I know I always somehow bring these blog posts back to my Grandpa, but I learned a lot when I watched him take his last few breathes. Most of my family was surrounding him, if there was one thing he taught me while he was alive is that family is the most important thing. And as my mom, dad, sisters, cousins, aunt and uncle all held hands around his bed telling him to "let go." or "let be" if you will I felt the trust and the loyalty one should have for a family.
       I guess the bottom line is anyone can act like they are all "chummy chummy", but in reality, its just going to be us,  MY family standing at the finish line with ME.  We are going to be the ones that are going to be there for one another in the end.
       I need to LET IT GO and just BE! If you have any suggestions for me that would be amazing. I would appreciate it!