Observations on the World.

    Trust. We all have a desire to feel safe whether it be in a relationship with your parents, siblings, or significant other. We want to feel that feeling of trust and like we could do or say anything and have the knowledge that it will all be ok. I have been an observer as of late. I have noticed that the idea of wanting to trust the people you surround yourself with in life is a common desire amongst everyone really. This feeling starts when we are babies. We want to feel safe with who is holding us and where we are at all moments. I have noticed that my baby niece will now make sad noises when she feels that someone she trusts is walking away, or if someone that she doesn't really know is holding her. She wants to feel safe. This continues on to our younger school years. My niece that is ten years old will hold my hand a little tighter if we walk passed someone she has a "weird feeling" about on the street, or she will talk about school and how she only feels comfortable with particular friends. As we travel forward in life we get into relationships and when we are young we find that we feel the need to know what your partner is doing every moment of every day. We want to know who they are talking to and how they are feeling. As we grow and have the life experiences that hurt us and make us strong, we learn that trust isn't so easy to get. It isn't just going to fall into your lap. You have to work at it. The people around you have to work at it. You have to learn to trust and you have to put faith in others. It's really hard, but once you have it and you feel it, you will feel that safe feeling you longed for when you were young.
     Through my observations in life I have also realized that how we react to certain situations reflect the outcome of the situation. For example, I was driving to work this morning and was sitting at a red light. The turning lane light went green and the car in front of me decided that we were waiting TOO LONG for that green light and he just zoomed into the turning lane to turn and right when he did that my light turned green and I was on my way, not much faster than him. If he had only waited just one more second he would have stuck to his original plan of going straight.
     Life is unfair sometimes, it really is, but if we could just adjust all the feelings of unfairness and the thoughts of "why me?" and change them to feelings of lessons and thoughts of "this will only make me stronger" then our whole attitude would change. It isn't about what happens to you in life, it is about how you choose to react to it. If you're feeling stuck or uncertain or lost or neglected find a way to help yourself. Put that trust that you desire in yourself. Trust yourself. Yourself will never ever ever steer you wrong.
     Trust. Trust your feelings, your emotions and attitude. Trust that you will always have the courage to do what is right for you.
   

Thanks 2014...

Dear 2014,
   You really were wonderful. When I look back on the goals I set out for myself last year at this time, I feel very proud of myself and all that I accomplished. I remember really hoping that I would be able to open up my heart again and find that trust again that had been shattered in the past. I decided that I wanted to say "yes" more and I wanted to continue to spread light to those I encounter. As I look back on my year, I feel that I really was able to do all that I set out to do. Well… I still want to go skydiving… but I will add that on my list for 2015… one day it will happen. But, I really was able to open up my heart again, and thanks to the love in my life I feel like I was able to actually find that trust again. It feels so fantastic being able to experience love on the level that I am experiencing it now.It truly is magical. I also feel that the term YOLO (you only live once) really became a huge part of my 2014 year. It really helped me be able to say "yes" to more adventures and I was able to experience more! 
    As I sit here, I am trying to figure out what I want to do for my 2015 year. It's hard to look at yourself and decide what realistically needs changing or what needs work. I do not want to pick things that are too challenging, but I also want to continue growing and developing as a human. I think what I really want to work on is learning how to be with myself again. I find that I am surrounded by a lot of people every single day, and I am so used to seeing so many faces that when I have those rare moments by myself, I do not know what to do. I either feel sad for being alone, or just at a loss for what to do. I often feel like I need to be doing something, when really I need to remember that it is ok to just not do anything at times. Another goal I have for 2015 is to be more aware of the present moment. This is something that I have been working on for the past 25 years of life, but it doesn't hurt to keep working on it. It is SO easy for me to get carried away with my thoughts and get ahead of myself, which then in return makes me feel nervous and anxious. If I could just stay present and live in the moment then I think I would enjoy life even that much greater. 
      So, there is it… I want to learn how to be with myself again and I want to live presently. Oh.. and I want to skydive :). I feel very very very fortunate to live the life that I do, and I thank my lucky stars every single day for all the good and all the bad that has ever entered my life. Every little moment brought me to the life that I am living right now. I am grateful for this moment and I want to continue to be grateful for what surrounds me. 

     My heart is open and it is ready for more. I am looking forward to seeing what 2015 has in store. May it bring good health, present moments and happy tears and laughter!

love always,

Amanda Leigh

xoxo 

2015 BRING. IT. ON.

Believe that with your feelings and your work you are taking part in the greatest; the more strongly you cultivate this belief, the more will reality and the world go forth front it.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Two Years.

     The more time that comes between me and November 3rd, the day that changed my life, the more I see how lucky I am that things turned out the way they did. That time in my life seems like a lifetime ago, and yet the chaos that ensued still affects me on a daily basis. That may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, you might be saying things like, "it was two years ago Amanda! Move on!" But, you know what? What happened on November 3rd changed the course of my life, and it was the beginning of what was to come. November 3rd was the beginning of the story, of everyones story, of my story. 

     

    It's been two years, and I cannot believe how different my life is and how different I am. I feel stronger and I am now in a relationship that fuels me, it fuels my light, it does not take any light away. It feels good to be independent and in charge of my life. It feels good to have found a best friend in a partner and to have it be a positive experience. It feels good to work in an environment where I am around my family and friends every single day. I truly do feel very blessed. 

   

     I still have visions of the past, I still hear broken promises and hear the lies that were said to me to hide what was going on. I still feel anger, I still feel the hurt that I felt on that day. I still can sometimes feel the unwanted feeling my old self had felt on a daily basis. I could relive that moment over and over again in my head and the feelings all remain so fresh. 

  

     I cannot dwell on what was, and I don't. I see my life as it is right now, and I see how lucky I am, but it doesn't change the fact that it did happen and that I will probably be affected by it in one way or another my entire life. It is a part of me. It is my story and my journey.

   

    Two years is a long time, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned over these years. I know now what it means to be respected and to have that same respect for myself. I plan to continue to grow. I plan to take my story and continue to use it to help others. No one should be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. No one should make themselves sick over a situation they feel stuck in. No one should ever feel stuck. If you feel at all stuck or if you feel like the life that you're living is not the life you imagined, then please know you have the power to walk away and start the life you have been dreaming of. It's YOUR life! Do not waste it!!!

    

    

     Cheers to another year of growth! 

    

A Quarter of a Century...

    Well, I have made it through another year. I will be turning 25 years old on Sunday. I have found that these days leading up to my birthday have been filled with moments from an ordinary day, which I love. I love when a day is just like any other day. We take for granted sometimes the wonderfulness that you can find in just "another day." I feel a lot happened in my 24th year on this earth and I learned a lot about myself and others around me. Below I have a list of things I have learned this past year and I wanted to share them with you. I am looking forward to seeing what 25 has to offer me. I hope it is full of growth, passion, love and inspiration!

What I learned at 24….

1. Doing a show on your birthday is the best thing ever because the audience is filled with your family and friends!

2. It is a really nice thing when your friend comes all the way from Chicago to spend your special day with you

3. You never know where a dare can lead…

4. ROAR will always remain my theme song

5. Online dating really is ok! It's fun to make a game out of it.. or a chart so you and your friends do not get confused.

6. Sometimes when you say that you are going to just go on all the online dates the right person comes along and you deactivate all your accounts

7. Listening to your heart more than your head is necessary sometimes. 

8. If you want to grab that special someones hand when you are seeing August Osage County in the movie theatre, THEN DO IT!!! Do not fear it!

9. Housesitting 3 dogs on your 2 week vacation from work is quiet, peaceful and lonely.

10. Spending the new year with friends and having your beautiful niece be your kiss at midnight makes for a great start to the year!

11. wearing white make up, a unitard and dancing around constantly for one night is still the best thing in the world. 

12. Going to Disneyland the day after you wear white make up and unitard and dance around makes it all worth it. 

12.5. If something isn't serving you anymore, then it is time to let it go. 

13. Les Mis will always remain a very special time in my life. Sharing the stage with some of the most talented people I have ever met and performing to sold out audiences every night was unreal.

14. The past may come back to haunt you at times, but you need to surround yourself with people that can help you get back on track. 

14.5. Rumors are rumors for a reason. Do not get caught up in the "he said, she said" world. Just stay on your path and do not worry about what happened before you. Live presently and in the moment of the NOW!

15. Sometimes you audition and audition and audition and you don't get cast… and that is ok! There is always a reason!

16. Valentines Day is the most romantic day when you get to spend the day with your little Valentine and the evening with your soon to be love.

17. Poetry and sunflowers are the best presents.

18. When an opportunity presents itself that changes where you live, do it! Take a leap of faith and make that MOVE!

19. Ryan and Jose are wonderful roommates and make me feel so safe and at peace!

20. The summer is always crazy, but what I took away from my class this summer is the motto of, "dare to be fearless."

21. I love my Young Actors Studio students more than chocolate… and I love chocolate!

22. Saying goodbye to one of your best friends for 18 months can be one of the hardest things I will have ever done. I miss her spirit every single day and am counting the milliseconds until she returns!

22.5. Ecuador is so lucky to have such an amazing girl living there!!!!!!!

23. When you think a negative thought, come up with three positive things you're grateful for.

23.5. LET IT GO!!!!!!

24. Be true to yourself. You have to. Do not let the outside world and people affect you so much! Just stay true to what you know to be true. It is easy for us to get in our own way by letting other things affect us, but we have to remember that we control our own power and our own thoughts. Just stay true. Nothing else matters.

25. Communication is key. When it comes to any relationship in your life, you have to communicate to keep what you have built alive and growing. 

Well…. there are my 25 things I have learned! Of course, I learned more things along my journey as a 24 year old, but I just needed to point out the highlights. I am looking forward to another year!       BRING IT ON!!!!

The Silent Victim. Possible Book Title.

    I write to be honest. I write so that my truth can be heard. Life is ever-changing. We are always evolving as human beings and we are always learning. No matter the age, we are all here to learn and grow. I am almost approaching my two year mark from the day that changed my life, and you know what? I can honestly say that it does get better, but it doesn't get easier. I think back on that situation and that time in my life and I still get angry. Even now, when I am so beyond happy in my life and so in love and so at peace with everything, I still find moments when pure anger and sadness overwhelm me and I never really know how to handle it. I get angry because now being in a very healthy relationship, I see how messed up the old one was. I see the manipulation that happened, I see how messed up it all really was. Three and a half years of my life, just messed up. I then, find myself looking at the big picture, I almost go out of my body and see myself, the way I was in those three and a half years and I feel sad for that girl, that girl that is me. I get so emotional. I feel somewhat sad for my inner self, my inner child if you will. I get so angry when I think that all of that could have been avoided if I just didn't go down that road, but then on the flip side, I would not be who I am today if none of that happened to me. And yes, it happened to me. There are a lot of stories for this one story, and many victims, but I am the silent victim. And I think people forget that. I think people in my life forget that. I see pictures, I see videos I see things. I see things that boggle my mind. Do I mind it? No. I really don't. What I do mind is what occurred. What I do mind is the hurt that was given. What I do mind is even though through all the pain and all the discomfort that the one person that was at the helm of everything, that caused all of this chaos  still doesn't see that what happened was wrong. That boggles my mind. I know this might be a defense mechanism and I know that this is an idea that will not change and I know that I cannot change anything about this. I know that I just need to accept it as fact and move forward. And I have moved forward. I really have, I just have moments I guess when it all just comes rushing back to me and I grow angry for my past self and I feel protective of her in a way. Some may think why am I still talking about this incident since we are approaching the two year mark, and my answer to you is that yes, it was almost two years ago, but I was a victim. I am the silent victim and it still affects me daily.  It affects the way I think now, I have to constiently be readjusting my mind to look into the present moment and not get scared and push awesome things and people away because of my past and the mind manipulation that occurred. I have to constantly still be around some of the people that were involved and hear about them all the time. So yes I will still keep talking about it. It was a huge thing and it is therapeutic for me to write. I look back on my life two years ago and I think of all the headaches I got, all the anxiety attacks that came to me and I can't believe that I didn't leave sooner. I can't believe that I stayed as long as I did. The Amanda now, would never stand for that. So I guess you could say that I have gotten stronger.
    I had somewhat of a "relapse" today. Something small happened that triggered some deep emotion inside of me and I hadn't felt that in a long time. I realize now that it was just that, a trigger. It made me full of emotion. I felt angry that I even think the way I do sometimes, but I also felt so relieved that I am happy and healthy and alive again. I feel so alive, not once do I feel that dead feeling. I am Amanda Leigh again and if I had to go through what I went through to find Amanda Leigh then I would do it again in a heartbeat. But, I will never forget what happened. I will never understand why it happened. I will never truly get the closure I want…. and that is ok. I will just keep moving forward and when these moments like I had today occur, I will just let it happen, because I am the silent victim and I am starting to feel like it is time to speak up a little more. I am starting to feel like it is time to really tell my story. I truly feel that we all have a story to tell. We all have something that happens to us that is life changing. We all go through something, some of us go through many things. I feel my story and my writing and my truth would help someone. If I could just reach out and help at least one person because of my story, I know that I would have done my job and all of it would have been worth it. I will continue to write more truthfully, looking forward to seeing where this leads.

A Challenge. If You Choose To Accept It.

     It is August 14th. Today I decided to live my life to the fullest. I decided not to let the little things get to me. I decided to not let other people's negative energy affect me. I decided to live my life selflessly and freely. I think it worked. 

     

    The other day I was realizing I was being too negative and I was allowing other things affect my own self. I found that my days were long and I was feeling too anxious about certain things, things that were unnecessary and things that I couldn't change. Yesterday I woke up and decided that for every negative thought I had for that day, I would need to think of 3 positive things. I woke up thinking of my 3 positives and because I did that, my day was drastically better. 

     Today, on August 14th, I am proud to say that I feel like my little game is working. Every time a negative emotion has entered my being, it has quickly gone away. I find that the ones that were bothering me so much, aren't so much anymore, or the thoughts that I had aren't as negative as they once were. I found that the other key to a much happier day is finding ways to live in the moment. I often get too bogged down by plans and I often feel like I need to have an exact plan for every moment of every day. By living more positively and by believing in the unknown, I find that I don't get as anxious. I am learning that it is a little more fun to let the day unfold for you. It's like having nice little surprises throughout your day!

     I challenge you to look at your days, and if you're feeling like you are stuck in a rut or if you're being too negative or gossiping too much or being too paranoid about stuff, then try and find a way to change your ways. Sometimes all you need is a shift in thinking or a shift of attitude. 

     Not everyone or everything is against you. You just need to come from a genuine place first and foremost. Once you are truthful and honest within your days, your whole world could change around you…. in a POSITIVE way :) 

    

    Now, the question is, are you BRAVE ENOUGH to accept my challenge? ;) 

*Amanda Leigh.

     

  

inhale… exhale… inhale….

      I'm staring at this blank computer screen. I know I need to write. I know that I need to get my thoughts out. It has been awhile since I have been able to write a blog post. Sometimes my thoughts just escape me and they only stay for a few moments. Life is ever changing, my thoughts are ever changing and I am trying to keep up. What is a challenge in my life right now?… hmm.. let's see. I think one of my biggest challenges is having patience and being ok with things not going quite like I had planned them to go. I also have been trying to let go of my feelings towards others. I have found that I am getting too caught up in annoyances and being bothered with how people handle certain situations. I mean, of course I think that I would handle any situation perfectly… don't we all have that feeling. We watch someone make certain decisions and we think to ourselves, "oh, I would do this like this, not this!" We always think that we could do a better job. I am so guilty of this trait. I am always saying to myself, "why can't they just do it this way! Why do they have to be so lame." That's right.. I said lame. :) 

      It's really hard to let go of how you think certain things should be and just trust that what is actually happening is the way it is meant to be. I have been getting so annoyed and bothered lately by the way certain people are living their lives, and then I have to remind myself that I am not them, and they are on their own journey, and they are here on this earth to make their own decisions and live there own life, just like I am. I am going to really work harder at respecting others and I am going to try my hardest to not get as annoyed with people!

      I have been teaching a lot this summer and it has been wonderful. My students, no matter the age,  always teach me something about myself. This summer of teaching has been all about patience and putting the trust within myself to teach whatever I needed to teach my students to serve their highest good. With Young REP coming to an end with these next couple weeks and Young Actors Studio ending last weekend, I find myself grateful for the lessons that all my students taught me. I have watched each student, from my 5 year olds to 14 year olds, develop confidence within themselves. 

     Today, I was lucky enough to sit in on some "mock auditions" for one of the Young REP classes. I sat there beaming from ear to ear because I saw so much growth in each student. These students walked into their "audition" with so much confidence and they were so willing to do anything we asked of them. I was remembering how nervous they were on the first day and how confusing it all seemed to them. I watched them grow… in just these six weeks, I have watched each student blossom and grow into wonderfully strong human beings. THAT is what this is all about. For all the times I left class feeling frustrated and lost, today made it all worth it because I saw that each student had actually grown and taken something positive away with them. 

      This was a great reminder to me today because I have been feeling too judgmental lately of how others were living their lives. I was reminded today that it doesn't really matter how others live their lives or what choices they make.  If you don't get the part you wanted in the show, it doesn't matter… it's just a show! If you don't get to go on that trip that you have been planning, that's ok! There's a reason you weren't meant to go! If you weren't meant to be with someone that you thought you would be with, that's ok! You weren't meant to be with them and someone really awesome is just around the corner waiting for you. We have to stop judging others so much and start living OUR own individual lives! 

    There's a reason for everything, and it all happens for a reason. It sounds cliche, but it is so true. It all happens for a reason. You just have to worry about inhaling and exhaling.. the rest will take care of itself. 

     My goal for the upcoming months is focusing on myself first and foremost and stop caring so much about what happens around me. 

     LET BE.