2014......I'm really ready for you.

     I don't know about you, but I am so ready for 2014 to be here. 2013 was a year full of unexpected change, betrayal, loss, fighting for whats right, living in the unknown and raw emotions. 2013 was just a wild year and now that I have had these last few days to sit and decompress I feel so numb about everything. I keep looking up to the sky and pleading to the universe for a better tomorrow. I am aware that my 2013 was supposed to happen in order for me to keep growing and evolving, but I just am ready to fully start new and take what I learned and use it. I am so ready to make new friendships and continue to strengthen the old. I am ready for what is to come. 

      I was thinking about what my goals were going to be in the new year. Here are a list of them.

Goals of 2014:

-continue to be a good role model for Gracie and for the other children that I am around.

- be true to who I am 

- always stop and think before I freak out about something

- try to start every morning by laughing or smiling, even if I have to force it at first, I don't think it will stay forced for long

- go on more dates

-go on more adventures

- continue to find time for me.

- hug my mom and dad more

- trust in what is. Even though it is so hard to trust in the unknown, it is important to believe that what is happening is meant to be happening for your journey

- take deeper breathes

- say I love you more to the people I love

-live in the present moment

-drink more water

- keep my heart open

- go to a baseball game

- skydive

- go see more theatre

- finish the last book in the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy

-continue to find things that inspire me

- spend time with the people I love

- play more boardgames 

- Breathe and trust in each moment.

I am sure I will keep adding to the list throughout the year, but this is a good start.

                                            Cheers to an amazing 2014!

    

Remarkable Moments

      With the closing of A Christmas Carol and the end to a very long weekend of shows, I thought it would be a good idea to write out my thoughts. I feel very tired, but also very fulfilled. My favorite moments of this weekend come from the time I spent playing Rudolph in The Biggest Gift. I loved living through the last moment of the story when the entire audience held hands and thought about what Christmas and the holidays meant to them. I would look at all the children holding hands with their parents and loved ones and think to myself, "wow... what we do each year is really special. We are bringing so much joy and hope to so many people." I loved watching the children really get involved in this part of the story. It helped me see, once again, how precious life is. Each moment we live is very remarkable. I think we can easily get swept up in the struggles and worries of our every day life. It's easy to go to that dark place of feeling lonely and neglected. For some reason it is always easier to think the worst instead of the best. I am guilty of this all the time. I immediately think the worst is going to happen. If I am looking forward to seeing someone or going somewhere, I always think to myself "oh, something will happen to make this not work out." Isn't that sad? I do not know if it is because of the recent events in my life that have made me a little more cynical, but I have been more aware lately of my easy escape to the "worst case scenario."

      I was around so much light this weekend between my Fantasy Forum and Christmas Carol families, that I rarely found myself going towards the dark. I felt like myself again. I have spent the last year reigniting the light inside of me, and to be honest lately I was starting to feel my inner light dim a bit. I am not going to let it dim anymore. I can't let it. I spend my days giving and giving and giving that I am hoping that in the new year I start receiving a bit. I hope that in 2014 something really amazing happens, not just for me, but for my family and friends around me. 2013 has been all about worry and change and death and newspaper articles and complete struggle. I am ready for a new year. I am ready to start fresh and hopefully find something exciting. I plan to stay closer to the light and to surround myself with people that will keep my inner light glowing. I really think I am pretty fantastic and am really proud of myself for my bravery and courage throughout all of this. I know that may seem strange to say, but I think its important to acknowledge your victories and to be aware of them. Its important to feel proud of yourself and to know your worth.

      There are some things in my life currently I have questions about. I am really practicing the act of patience and trust. I have an open heart and a new found curiosity for life. I want to relish in the remarkable moments of life and see the good in all things. I know life is not easy, but it sure helps when you keep your head up high and trust in the higher good. 

      Something really great is going to happen for all of us in 2014. Don't worry, I am not naive enough to think that there wont be any struggle, but I do believe that after a hurricane comes a rainbow and I do believe that each moment we live leads us to the next and thats just how we keep going. Each person that comes into our lives teach us something, and if we accept it, we will learn something from them. 

      I hope everyone has a very happy holiday. Relish the remarkable moments. Listen to the silence. Sing christmas songs by the fire. Tell the people you love that you love them. Life is too short not to. 

If I were to...

        I found myself walking the halls of my old high school the other day, no one else was around, it was just me and these ghost like memories. The minute my feet touched the pavement to the entrance of the school I was immediately placed right back into that time in my life. I thought about what kind of person I was. I saw myself as a nervous wreck. I wanted to be liked so much. I wanted to feel accepted so much that it all just seemed too hard. I had friends, I was nice to everyone that came my way, but I was always a little bit lost. I had big dreams, but my doubts always got in the way of it all. I had crushes, but I was always too scared to act upon them because I was afraid of the let down. I walked down each hallway and thought about the woman I was now. I saw myself as someone that has been through battle and still manages to put a smile on her face. I saw a strong woman. I felt strong. Walking through those halls I felt strong.
  
      My imagination drifted and I thought to myself, “If I were to run into my younger self in these hallways, what would I say to her?” The answer instantly came to me. It was so easy. I would look into the lost, eager eyes of my younger self and tell her to lose all doubts. I would tell her to have faith in what the universe has planned. I would tell her how amazingly strong she is and to not lose sight of that. I would warn her about what is to come, but I would tell her to not stray from making the same decisions I made. I would tell her to choose to go to SF and not Seattle. I would tell her that a young man would enter her life and make her feel things that she didn’t know she could feel.  I would tell her to trust her instincts and to fall for him. I would say, “Amanda Leigh, he will break your heart in ways you could never imagine, and mess with your family and your life in ways that you never thought were possible, but go for it. You will grow so much from that experience and it will only make you the person you are. Do not miss out on that opportunity.” The truth is, I didn't die from it, I survived, so.... what was the real harm from going down that road? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... right?

       I imagine looking at my younger self and seeing hope. That hope that I knew I had when I was her. There was always this hope that was inside of me that felt like all would just work out the way it was planned to and even though sometimes I felt lost and out of my element, I never lost that hope and I still haven’t lost that hope. My heart has gone through a lot, but through all the disappointment and all the times something that could have been magnificent didn’t work out, I still have never lost that feeling of hope. I found peace in this imaginary talk with my younger self. In some ways, the advice I would have shared with her, was important advice for me to remember now. I am not sure why timing and life works out the way it does, but the truth is... it does. Life happens, timing is everything and all we can do is trust. Its hard to put so much trust out there in the unknown when you feel like you aren’t getting the validation you need, but its what we have to do. Each and every day I find it a bit easier to let go and just surrender to what is. I know all of the ups and the downs are part of this journey I am on, and every person that has entered my life are acting as teachers and teaching me something about life or myself or my feelings. Im grateful for the lessons I have learned thus far and for the teachers that have been there. I now open my doors to more teachers to enter my life. Perhaps one day, one of these teachers, will choose to stay and be in my life for a long time. We shall see... faith, trust and a little pixie dust can go a long way. ;)

One Year.

   Last November 3rd I had no idea what that day would bring. I woke up, got dressed and got ready for my two show day of Joseph. Everything seemed like it was all fine and I was excited to get to the Theatre and spend the day with my Joseph family. A few hours before our call time at the theatre I got a phone call, a phone call that would soon change the course of my day. Last November 3rd I remember being  a puddle of tears on the floor, I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start over. 
     I remember closing my eyes and getting in touch with my inner self, I hadn't seen her in awhile. I remember listening to her, for the first time in a long time I listened to what my inner self was telling me. She told me that this was just the beginning, she told me that there was so much more out there for me. I decided right then and there that I would not let what happened to me define me, I would, instead, let it strengthen me. I would learn from it and take what I learned throughout the next year and use it to help others around me. 
   This November 3rd I find myself feeling grateful. I feel like I have almost crossed the finish line. I feel like the journey I have gone on with myself has been worthwhile. I am so happy that I stood up and picked up the pieces. I have decided that today I would sit down and make a list of what I have learned this year. Some have been big lessons, some have been small, but each lesson has made me the person I am right now, in this moment.

       I am looking forward to seeing what the next year brings! Bring it on!

Things I have learned this year:

-family will always be there


-it's ok to try online dating 


-you learn a lot about the type of person you see by the way you handle yourself on a bad date 


-taking a walk and being around nature will always always make you feel better


-let yourself feel the feelings that you feel


-crying is a really wonderful, healing thing 


-don't be afraid to say what's on your mind, you'll get your answer easier that way 


-no matter how sad you wake up feeling a shower will make you feel more put together and ready to tackle the day


-blasting Firework and singing to it at the top of your lungs while dancing, of course, is always a good idea


-if an opportunity jumps at you. Take it. It's the universes way of helping you


-trust your first instincts


-if you have asthma or get a lot of headaches, your body might be telling you something 


-A friend that sees you at your worse and at your best is worth keeping around


-a best friend that holds your hand while you're saying goodbye to someone you love is a treasure


-traveling on your own and going on adventures with yourself is so much fun


-being true to who you are will get you through anything


-your Dad can be your best friend


-your Mom can be your guiding light


-your sisters can hold you close when you feel most alone and afraid


-your brother in law can make you the best video that reminds you how lucky you are and can cheer you up at any time!

-time spent with your niece can bring pure happiness and hope into your heart.


-the media misconstrues everything, and does not take the time to get the real story


-truth will prevail, good conquers evil always.


-sometimes a mango tango at masimos is all you need


-writing your thoughts out daily in a journal will change your life

-on a first date never say you will do dinner AND a show... 


-on a first date if they come carrying a large Trader Joes bag and you have no idea what's inside...RUN


-one chocolate chip cookie can flip your day from bad to good

-opening your heart up again is challenging, but worth it

-every experience with someone teaches you what you want and what you deserve

-Traveling to Disneyland is always a good idea

-in hard times you really see who your true friends are


-it's ok to let people go


-singing Big Spender as Babs is a memory that will last forever


-sometimes traveling to an unfamiliar place with new people will end up bringing you closer to who you are and will introduce you to long lasting friendships 


-sweater dresses can make you feel better


-we have contracts with one another and when our time is done with them, when we have both taught eachother everything that needs to be taught, then it's time to walk away from one another. We are here to grow and learn, always ask yourself if what is going on in your life is for your "highest good." If it is, then great! If not, then it might be time to walk away. 


-you are never alone. 

-you can't really change what happens to you. All you can do is decide how you react with what happens to you. 

Surrender

What do you do when you feel like the world around you is crashing down? How do you go about picking up the pieces that surround you and move forward? Where do you even begin? 

These questions have been in my thoughts a lot as of late, and today they seemed more relevant than ever. It always amazes me how connected we are as human beings. If you really stop and pay attention you'll notice that similar things happen to people around you and at the same time. Or a domino affect will occur and suddenly your morning coffee spill turns into you being late for work and ends with a fight with someone you love... and so on and so forth. We are all connected. We all have experienced those days when everyone seems a bit "off." Or certain energies just feel strange to you. We've all been there. 

So, why is it that when we are going through a hard time we feel the most alone? 

It has almost been one year since my life changed for the better. I cannot believe that it has almost been a year. So much has happened and changed in such a short period of time. It honestly feels like a lifetime ago.  I reactivated my old facebook account the other day so I could get some old pictures, and I was amazed at my old life. I honestly did not even recognize it. I was overcome with this amazing feeling of strength and acceptance  and power. I knew that the person I was starring at in those pictures was not me. I was so happy to see that I had found me.  It took a tragic event to help me find me again, but I am so glad that I have returned. 

When I think back on the events that have occurred in this past year, I can honestly say that my family and I would have not gotten through it without the love and support of people around us. I am fully aware of the negative things that are said around the situation, but in this case, there has been so much positive, that the light shines out the darkness. The truth will always find a way to shine brightly.

I find myself observing the world around me, just watching how people react to situations. The truth is, life is not all sunshine and rainbows, but you can surely try and create a world full honesty, truth, acceptance, strength and courage. It is about how we decide to deal with the things that happen to us that matter and make a difference. 

Life is really hard, and today it became really apparent to me that we are all connected. I find this thought comforting because it is nice to know that if you are going through a hard time, so is someone else, and there is someone else out there in the world that has felt  the emotion that you are feeling in that moment at some point. It is nice to know that you are not alone, and it is nice to know that we all have that inner light inside of us that we can shine as bright as we want to at anytime. We often forget about that light, but we all have it. I just recently rediscovered mine, and it has brought me to some amazing people and has helped me through some pretty tough times. 

I am still working on my story. We all are. And who knows if our story is every really complete, but I know that I want my story to be full of adventure. I want to take risks and be vulnerable. I want to express exactly how I am feeling to the people I need to. I want to not be afraid of loss. I want to embrace life. I want to take it, and just live it to the absolute fullest, because who knows what tomorrow will bring? All we have is today really. Let's live for today. Trust yourself. 

So to answer my questions, when I feel like the world is crashing down around me and I don't know how to pick up the pieces and am at a loss of where to start, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and find the strength and trust within myself to continue. I put trust in the path in front of me and hold my inner strength close by like an old friend. I throw my arms up in the air and surrender to what is and put faith into what will be. 

"Faith, trust and a little pixie dust" can get you very far.

Deep End

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our own story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

                                                                                                            - Brene Brown

 

     You know what fascinates me so much? The idea of Time. I think the song, Corner of the Sky from the musical Pippin describes it best when it says, "everything has its season, everything has its time." Timing is truly everything. You may think you're ready for something and in that moment it may seem so clear, but then something will stop you, or something won't go the way you planned and then you will be forced to go down a different path and discover new things about yourself and the life around you. I often think of this "thing" that stops you as something magical. It just amazes me how when things don't go our way it really does end up being for the better. I have been thinking a lot about the timing of things and how these past 10 months, I have been more aware of myself and what direction my life is headed. I have thought a lot about my story and how I am just a small part of the story. This story also belongs to many people. It is truly our story. I only know what I know from my story, and that is the story that I want and need to tell. I believe that I can maybe help other people that go through heartbreak. I know I am here on this earth to be a teacher, maybe not in a classroom teaching, but a teacher of life. I feel that I am meant to learn and that take what I have learned from life's curve balls and teach my lessons to others. Why not dive into the deep end of life? Why not break your walls down and LIVE and LOVE. Why be scared of love? There's always a chance that you will get hurt, but it's almost fear that makes us stop the love from happening. I have worked too hard to not be fearful, and yet I find myself with this wall in front of me that I have single handedly built up brick by brick being fearful of falling in love again.

     I know, I know.. I hear it all the time, "you have to love yourself before you can love someone," or my favorite, " take your time, you're young! You have so much time." Well, there's that word again! TIME. Well, you know what Mr. Time?! I do love myself, I really do. I am enjoying my TIME and I find myself ready to jump into the deep end of life. I am ready to open myself up again. My heart feels ready to love. I almost feel like I have been keeping my heart protected and treating it like a newborn baby... but now this heart baby is ready to walk. I can't be afraid of love anymore. I just can't. I want too much out of life to be kept fearful of what might happen if I were to open my heart up again.
    I want to keep owning my story. I think it is important to own something that is yours, something that happened to you. I feel like I am finally getting on the diving board and am jumping head first into this big pool of life. Im taking a chance, and heading into the deep end. Hopefully, time will be on my side.

      





The View.

     I always know when it is time to write something new. Today is a day that I feel the desire to write more than ever. I feel like the truth is finally out. All this time, for the past 7 months, I have always felt this sense of not knowing. Ever since November 3rd, each day has been filled with this unsettled feeling. "What will today bring?" "What new information will we learn today?" "How will I test my strength today?" But today, today I finally see some light at the end of this dark tunnel.
     It is really hard for me to put into words my jouney and my story these past 7 months, but I am going to try. I have gone from a puddle on the ground to a very strong ray of sunshine in just a matter of months. The day when I was told of the news of Jason I was shocked, stunned I had no idea what I was going to do; how I was going to "survive." It soon became clear to me that I needed a better life for myself. I was hit like a ton of bricks. I finally got it. It was a clear "aha" moment. I knew that my life was worth more than what I was living and I deserved so much more respect in a partner and in a friend. I made a decision to end things with him shortly after the 3rd and decided to live my life from that moment moving onward and upward. I honestly have never looked back since.
     Life moved forward from that moment on. I became nothing more than a girl with a stronger heart. The New Year came and went and so did the publicity.  What is interesting is that the lies and truth get so misconstrued at times and the line drawn between a truth and a lie is always too closley blurred when it comes to the news.. but we got passed it. As a team, my family and I moved forward.
     On March 22nd while I was on my solo adventure trip in Boston we learned more information to our story and ever since that day it has been a constant fight for the truth. 11 weeks ago all of our lives changed again, but this time the change was different. All of a sudden we were faced with having to practice patience and trust. We had to find our inner faith and surrender in some way to what was and pray for what would be. We had to fight for what we knew was right. It took 11 weeks, but I am so happy to say the truth did infact prevail. Good conquered evil. The books are placed back onto their rightful spots on the shelf. Life is good. We got through it. As a team. As a family. As a packaged deal. We did it.
       As I write this post I am overcome with so many different emotions. I feel free. I feel like I just climbed the steepest mountain in the world. I feel like I am on top of the steep mountain looking at the beautiful view that we all have been waiting for. We climbed the mountain together. As a team. I want to say thank you to everyone who prayed. To everyone who sent letters. To everyone who showed love. I say thank you. 
       The truth wins. The light always shines. Good conquers evil. I know that there will be more hard times to come in my lifetime, but I am so happy to say that right now, in this moment, all is good. The view from the top of the mountain is beautiful.