Ride on the ocean of life

     Today is a rough day for some reason. I keep crying! I miss my Nanny and my Grandpa George. Sometimes I still can't wrap my head around the fact that both of them are gone. The two of them were so constant in my life for so long, it is almost unimaginable that two of my constants are not here anymore. What do you do when something so constant in your life fades away. It is almost the same feeling you get when you lose a friendship or when a romantic relationship ends. You feel this overall feeling of loss and helplessness; you are aware that you need to move forward, but you do not know where to begin. Take it from a girl who has lost plenty of friendships and who has dealt with major heart brake and who has had family members die, it is best to just take one day at a time. Even one moment at a time because one minute you will think you are doing fine, but the next you could be balling your eyes out! 

    Life is much like the ocean, the waves come and and go out and it is our job to ride on the ocean of life. Some days the current could be moving fast and other days the current could be as calm as a beautiful sunrise. You have to pull from your experiences to help you get through certain life problems sometimes. 

   With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I am struck with the memory of last year at this time when my Grandpa was living his final days. I remember feeling so happy for him when he finally was able to let go, and I remember feeling so unbelievably grateful for my family. We all stuck right by him until his final moments and I will never forget the love I felt for all of them that night. I often wonder if your death day up in heaven in much like your birthday here on earth. I wonder if the angels celebrate your return "home." I like that thought, so I hope that they do that, it makes an anniversary of a death seem not so sad here on earth. 

    Life is a whirlwind, and I am not even sure what I just wrote here, but it feels nice to get my words out. I hope all of you have a marvelous Thanksgiving and that you are able to have a chance to go around the table and say what you are thankful for. It is really important to get those thoughts in your head and to say them out loud.

Look UP

I am not sure what to write, I am not sure what this blog will hold. Will it be memorable? Will you learn from it? I ask myself these questions every time I sit down and decide to write a blog. I stress about wanting to make it worth your time. I try to have a solid beginning, middle and end and hopefully teach a life lesson somewhere in between. Isn't that a lot like life though? We all stress about every little detail. We hope that we are doing everything right and that we can just get through the day without hurting anyone or be involved in any awful event. Our lives are filled with the thoughts of, "me me me and you you you." Why can't we ever just be? Why can't we just walk down the street and enjoy the sun on our face or feel the crisp air on our cheeks? Why can't we just enjoy life for what it is? We are given gifts daily that do not even cost a dime! Let me ask you a question, because I seem to be asking a lot of questions right now, but when you are walking somewhere do you ever look up? Or do you just stare at the ground? I was thinking about this the other day and decided to make note of everyone that I walked passed on the street. I noticed that more often than not people look down when they walk. Why? Are they nervous they are going to trip? Or are they scared that the ground might slip up from underneath them? Why look down at nothing when you can look up at something; the amazing world around you. I promise you wont fall. I notice that in theatre work as well. Sometimes when I go to see shows or if I am watching scene work I notice that most actors look down when they are talking. I have been taught that when you look down all of your energy goes down, but when you look up and out the energy travels  upward and outward toward the audience. This applies to daily life too, if people looked up more I bet they would notice a difference in how they feel and how their day goes. I am guessing that their days would seem a lot more positive and upbeat. 

      Well, I guess this blog composed itself. I honestly do not know what I think sometimes, I just let my thoughts flow and see what happens.  I just wish people wouldn't be so absorbed with themselves. I know this topic seems to be an ongoing theme of mine, but it is an issue that needs to be addressed. I would consider myself an observer. I have never been the big "talker" unless I feel extremely comfortable with you. I tend to sit back and listen and observe. Being an observer I notice that sometimes when people are in a conversation no one really even listens to one another. It is the funniest thing. One time I listened to two people have a solid 5 minute conversation and they both were telling two completely different stories. Seriously! Have we lost our ability to listen?! Is it too hard to ask someone how they are doing and actually care? 

  Bottom line, life is so short and we are all guilty, me included, of not appreciating the life around us. Appreciate the small stuff like the red holiday cups at Starbucks, or a child's laughter, or seeing someone you love and being able to hug them. It doesn't matter if you see them all the time, but don't you think it is a miracle and a blessing that we get to experience that feeling of love? I feel blessed everyday that I am able to call my Mom or Dad or Sisters or Boyfriend and tell them I love them. I feel blessed that they are all alive and that I get to hug them anytime I want. Maybe since I recently lost two Grandparents I am more sensitive to that subject, but it is a miracle that most of us get to live day after day being able to make mistakes and get the chance to correct them. Some people don't get that, some people are born and they die a few days later, some people develop chronic illnesses and that becomes their life. 

  I feel blessed... don't you? Do me a favor, take a piece of paper and pen and jot down ten things you are grateful for. Really do it, I will put my list below. 

My list of what I am grateful for:

1. the love I feel for my family

2. having Jason in my life because he brings me so much joy

3. being able to work at The Ballet School

4. My Nanny and Jenny for making The Ballet School what it is today       

5. Being able to grow up at the Lesher Center. That place is my home.

6. my humor, I feel that always gets me through some hard times

7. My parents for supporting me and helping me any way they can so that I can get my College Degree

8. my love for the Arts, its a passion that lies deep down in my core

9. My Grandpa George for teaching me how important family is

10. Gracie, her spirit and everything she is now and everything she will become

"It's All Just Stuff."

       I have been keeping myself busy since my Nanny passed away. I was lucky again to be able to be with her until her final breath like I was with my Grandpa. I am thankful to the both of them for allowing me to witness such a beautiful part of life. I miss my Nanny dearly and I think about her constantly. I know she is at peace, but I wish I could just know where she is. When my sisters and I were little, we would always tell my Nanny that we wanted to build a tunnel from our house to her house because then it would be easier to see each other. Well I wish more than anything that I could just build a tunnel from me to her right now. I just long for one more hug, one more giggle from her or one more I love you. 

     Death is such a strange concept. If you really  sit down and ponder it, it just gets stranger. Most people brush it aside, and choose not to confront it. I am guilty of doing that, but lately I have just been thinking about the concept. It is so strange and somewhat sureal that someone that you love can be here in the present moment and then in one moment they are gone, the body you once hugged so tightly, the laugh you once heard that made you smile is gone. Just gone, but all their things are still here. 

     Which brings me to my next point, bottom line, all it is is just "stuff." The clothes you just have to have! The latest iwhatever that you wait in line all day for, and even the minimal problems you are having with your life... it's all just "stuff." If you think of it in that respect, it is just kind of funny and it really makes you re-evaluate you're life and what is important. For me personally, it makes the idea of putting on a show comical. Because I am a "theatre person" and have grown up in the theatre I completely understand that when you are involved in a production or production company, it becomes the most important thing in your life. The lights have to be just right, the sound, costumes, set, direction and the casting all have to be perfect so you can "out do" the other companies. Do you know how silly that is? We as human beings have such a competitive nature, we feel like we have to be the best. What for exactly? So you can win awards and have people know your name? As "theatre people" is that what it is about? In my opinion (and I will give you my opinion because this is my blog) I feel that theatre is not about that! At all! Theatre is about community, coming together to help tell stories to an audience that truly cares. When I hear about "theatre drama" either at my school (and do not get me started on my school) or in my community, I can't help but chuckle to myself because after witnessing two people take their last breathes I have realized that life isnt about the materialistic stuff. It isn't about competition and "out doing" someone else.  It is about family and love. When I am on my death bed, I want to be remembered for how much love I had. I want to be surrounded by the family I created with someone I love.

     I see people in my every day life that walk around in a huge cloud. They are clueless to what is truly important. They are so wrapped up within themselves and what will make them successful that they don't even pay attention, and don't even bother to say a simple, "hi, how are you?" It is so sad when you come to the realization that the people you once thought you were so close to, do not know anything about you. They can see you daily, but seem to care less. I do not want to be one of those people. Every person I come across I want to really know how their day is going. I want to help them in any way I can.

     I know that I want to teach. My passion is teaching, whether it be Kindergarten or Theatre I want my students that I come across to understand life and what it means to be truthful to who you are. I want them to know that as they live their life they need to live it with no cloud around them. Their lens needs to be cleared so that they truly see what is going on. I want them to know how to feel empathy and how it feels to truly love. I want them to know that life is not about getting your own "stapler" or just doing Theatre just to "win" or buying things you really don't need. At the end of the day it is JUST STUFF. 

    My Nanny and my Grandpa George lived their life with such class. They did what they loved and when they were lying on their death bed, I know that they felt at peace with every decision that they had made in their life. They both lived a life well lived and I pray that they are hanging out up in Heaven cheering all of us on down here.

    Please take a moment and look around. There is a whole world out there! Full of people! You're goal today is to say hello to three people and ask them how they are, whether you know them or not, it will make their day. Guarantee it.

    

   

End of Summer

Well, thats it! The end of this amazing summer is about to come to a close. It is very bittersweet for me. I am ready to go back to school and have that routine again, but I am sad to let go of such an inspirtational summer. I absolutley loved teaching this summer and I have enjoyed all the time I have been able to spend up at The Ballet School. I know that I will be back all the time and with the new Performing Arts Studio I will be able to teach and keep taking the pilates classes that seem to center me, but I just feel like it will not be quite the same.
    This brings me back to my constant thought with change. I am a person that has never done well with change and things changing around me. I tend to freeze up and I never really know what to do or how to be. I will say though, that I have gotten a lot better over the past couple of years. When something in my life changes and I feel like I am going to start to freak out, I try to think of the big picture and I focus on how I will feel once the change occurs, how I will be better because of it. That is all change is really.. its a shift in our life that has to happen! If you are willing to accept change into your life I truly believe that only good will come to you. Whoever said life was easy? Life is about pain and beauty and love and change!
      Not only have a learned a lot about change this summer I have also been reminded of what friendhsip is. What it means to be a friend and have that same mutual feeling be reciprocated. There is a difference between being a friend and being in a friendship. I have thought long and hard about the difference and I am content with my answer. I will not share my answer with you because I feel that you should decide for yourself what the difference is and act as such.
        I hope you have enjoyed this entry. I will write more often from now on. Thank you for listening! Below is just some information I would like to share with you!
     




If you are at all interested in performing, I hope you know that training is probably the most important thing you can constantly keep doing! The Ballet School and Fantasy Forum Acrtors Ensemble is launching a NEW PROGRAM called Performing Arts Studio! There are an array of classes being offered for Youth, Teen and Adults!!! Check out this link below for more information on registering! There is an awesome teaching staff with Actors, Designers, Directors, Casting Directors from all over the Area!

http://www.theballetschool.org/

Competition

 Do you ever feel like you are always the one making effort in a friendship? It takes two people to make any kind of relationship work... right? Am I wrong? This issue may go on my top list of pet peeves. I came to the realization today that I am going to stop trying.

That is all.

Haphazard!

      Things are going GREAT so far in my life! I LOVE waking up every morning feeling excited to take on the day! I love teaching! I really love it! I have really been enjoying my Young REP Acting class and also Little Broadway. I just feel fulfilled all the time and that makes me so happy. I wish I could always feel like this, but I know that in the fall I will have to go back to San Francisco and finish up my last year of my undergraduate work. It will only be for a year though, so I think I can do it! And The Ballet School and the Theatre will always be here for me. I feel very blessed that this is the path I have been granted. Someone up there must really like me :)
       My acting class and I have been discussing the idea of "fear." I decided that I wanted to ask you lovely people the same question we discussed to get your point of view on the subject. The questions are, "What is Fear?" and "Why do we fear?" The fascinating thing about fear is, is that we grow to be fearful of something. We either watch a movie or go on a ride that scares us enough to start fearing it. "How do we face our fears?" I believe it is important to be AWARE of what you are afraid of. Being AWARE is important to everything in life really. I am aware that I am rambling....
      Oh, I want to also thank everyone for their prayers for my Aunt Jami. She is now at home recovering. Her foot is still really bad from the infection, so she goes in daily to the hospital to get oxygen transmitted into her foot, but all in all she is in a much better place then where she was a few weeks ago. I want to thank you for your prayers because I really feel that they helped! So THANK YOU!!!!
      Also, if you are interested in every coming to The Ballet School to take some classes you should!!! Next Tuesday night from 7:30-8:30 is Musical Theatre Dance Class and the musical for next week is The Little Mermaid!!!! Also, there are pilates classes now being offered on top of the ballet and tap classes!!!! I have been spending a lot of time up here lately and it is the best place to be. There is so much positive energy that you cant help but be positive yourself! My nanny, Lareen Fender, really has created a wonderful place to be and luckily my amazing sister Jenny has been able to keep it a wonderful place to be in honor of our Nanny.
     I am not sure if this blog had a theme or anything, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! Keep on keepin on!!!! And remember... "When life knocks you flat on your back, just roll over and look up at the stars."



*CHECK OUT THE CLASSES GOING ON AT THE BALLET SCHOOL*
http://www.theballetschool.org/
   

        Life is a whirlwind of activity lately! I have been busy with helping out in the office at The Ballet School, watching my niece and making sure I spend as much time with my Nanny as I can before she embarks on her journey to Heaven. My Nanny is doing well, she is so sweet and I treasure every moment I spend with her. It is an odd feeling spending time with someone when in the back of your head you are always thinking, "this could be the last time we see one another." I suppose we should always think that when we are living our day to day lives but we seem to forget when we are around people who are healthy. We just always think that we will see eachother again! My Nanny and I always say "I love you" and with just one look from her I know that she will always be there for me not matter where she is. I feel like we are in a good place right now and that no matter what happens in the days to come I will always know that we shared special moments together.
     Yesterday my Aunt Jami was admitted into the ICU at John Muir Hospital. She has had a cold/flu all week and was not getting any better so yesterday morning her husband took her to the emergency room and they discovered that she had a very severe bacterial infection and they told her that her life was on the line. I have been praying all day and all night and am happy to report that she made it through the night. We are just taking one day at a time and are hoping and praying that she will regain her strength and get better. When this happened yesterday I started to think about all that I want to say to her and all that I should have done. I felt uneasy and so unstatisfied. I knew that she loved me and I knew that she knows that I love her but there was still so much to say!!! I kept asking myself, "why didnt I say anything to her the last time I saw her!"
      Now, there is are a lessons that present themselves here that all of us need to learn. The lessons are simple, always live each moment as if it is your last and never leave anywhere without saying goodbye and tell the people you love that you love them all the time. The last time I saw my Aunt Jami was at my Nannys house and she was more beautiful than ever. She was just laying right next to my Nanny enjoying her time with her mom. I loved the time I spent with her, but if I had known that in just a few short days she would be in the ICU and that there would be a chance that she could die I would have told her how much I loved her and thanked her for all the amazing memories I have from when I was little. I would have hugged her tighter, stared at her more often and I would have stayed a little longer.
      It is just interesting how we act with people that we know are going to die soon as opposed to the people we consider healthy and believe that they will live longer. The thing is, we dont know anything. We dont know who is going to die when. When we wake up in the morning we may think that we know how the day will go but we dont know for certain! It is so important to live in the present moment. It is so important to have faith and believe that all will be ok.
     I  ask for your prayers for my Aunt. I ask that you pray that she will find the strength to overcome this infection that is living in her. I ask that you pray for the Doctors that are trying to save her. We must pray loud so that the Highest Good can hear us.
     Tell the people you love that you love them, never leave a situation with regrets. Live presently and openly to the universe. Be who you want to be and LIVE.