Surrender

What do you do when you feel like the world around you is crashing down? How do you go about picking up the pieces that surround you and move forward? Where do you even begin? 

These questions have been in my thoughts a lot as of late, and today they seemed more relevant than ever. It always amazes me how connected we are as human beings. If you really stop and pay attention you'll notice that similar things happen to people around you and at the same time. Or a domino affect will occur and suddenly your morning coffee spill turns into you being late for work and ends with a fight with someone you love... and so on and so forth. We are all connected. We all have experienced those days when everyone seems a bit "off." Or certain energies just feel strange to you. We've all been there. 

So, why is it that when we are going through a hard time we feel the most alone? 

It has almost been one year since my life changed for the better. I cannot believe that it has almost been a year. So much has happened and changed in such a short period of time. It honestly feels like a lifetime ago.  I reactivated my old facebook account the other day so I could get some old pictures, and I was amazed at my old life. I honestly did not even recognize it. I was overcome with this amazing feeling of strength and acceptance  and power. I knew that the person I was starring at in those pictures was not me. I was so happy to see that I had found me.  It took a tragic event to help me find me again, but I am so glad that I have returned. 

When I think back on the events that have occurred in this past year, I can honestly say that my family and I would have not gotten through it without the love and support of people around us. I am fully aware of the negative things that are said around the situation, but in this case, there has been so much positive, that the light shines out the darkness. The truth will always find a way to shine brightly.

I find myself observing the world around me, just watching how people react to situations. The truth is, life is not all sunshine and rainbows, but you can surely try and create a world full honesty, truth, acceptance, strength and courage. It is about how we decide to deal with the things that happen to us that matter and make a difference. 

Life is really hard, and today it became really apparent to me that we are all connected. I find this thought comforting because it is nice to know that if you are going through a hard time, so is someone else, and there is someone else out there in the world that has felt  the emotion that you are feeling in that moment at some point. It is nice to know that you are not alone, and it is nice to know that we all have that inner light inside of us that we can shine as bright as we want to at anytime. We often forget about that light, but we all have it. I just recently rediscovered mine, and it has brought me to some amazing people and has helped me through some pretty tough times. 

I am still working on my story. We all are. And who knows if our story is every really complete, but I know that I want my story to be full of adventure. I want to take risks and be vulnerable. I want to express exactly how I am feeling to the people I need to. I want to not be afraid of loss. I want to embrace life. I want to take it, and just live it to the absolute fullest, because who knows what tomorrow will bring? All we have is today really. Let's live for today. Trust yourself. 

So to answer my questions, when I feel like the world is crashing down around me and I don't know how to pick up the pieces and am at a loss of where to start, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and find the strength and trust within myself to continue. I put trust in the path in front of me and hold my inner strength close by like an old friend. I throw my arms up in the air and surrender to what is and put faith into what will be. 

"Faith, trust and a little pixie dust" can get you very far.

Deep End

"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our own story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

                                                                                                            - Brene Brown

 

     You know what fascinates me so much? The idea of Time. I think the song, Corner of the Sky from the musical Pippin describes it best when it says, "everything has its season, everything has its time." Timing is truly everything. You may think you're ready for something and in that moment it may seem so clear, but then something will stop you, or something won't go the way you planned and then you will be forced to go down a different path and discover new things about yourself and the life around you. I often think of this "thing" that stops you as something magical. It just amazes me how when things don't go our way it really does end up being for the better. I have been thinking a lot about the timing of things and how these past 10 months, I have been more aware of myself and what direction my life is headed. I have thought a lot about my story and how I am just a small part of the story. This story also belongs to many people. It is truly our story. I only know what I know from my story, and that is the story that I want and need to tell. I believe that I can maybe help other people that go through heartbreak. I know I am here on this earth to be a teacher, maybe not in a classroom teaching, but a teacher of life. I feel that I am meant to learn and that take what I have learned from life's curve balls and teach my lessons to others. Why not dive into the deep end of life? Why not break your walls down and LIVE and LOVE. Why be scared of love? There's always a chance that you will get hurt, but it's almost fear that makes us stop the love from happening. I have worked too hard to not be fearful, and yet I find myself with this wall in front of me that I have single handedly built up brick by brick being fearful of falling in love again.

     I know, I know.. I hear it all the time, "you have to love yourself before you can love someone," or my favorite, " take your time, you're young! You have so much time." Well, there's that word again! TIME. Well, you know what Mr. Time?! I do love myself, I really do. I am enjoying my TIME and I find myself ready to jump into the deep end of life. I am ready to open myself up again. My heart feels ready to love. I almost feel like I have been keeping my heart protected and treating it like a newborn baby... but now this heart baby is ready to walk. I can't be afraid of love anymore. I just can't. I want too much out of life to be kept fearful of what might happen if I were to open my heart up again.
    I want to keep owning my story. I think it is important to own something that is yours, something that happened to you. I feel like I am finally getting on the diving board and am jumping head first into this big pool of life. Im taking a chance, and heading into the deep end. Hopefully, time will be on my side.

      





The View.

     I always know when it is time to write something new. Today is a day that I feel the desire to write more than ever. I feel like the truth is finally out. All this time, for the past 7 months, I have always felt this sense of not knowing. Ever since November 3rd, each day has been filled with this unsettled feeling. "What will today bring?" "What new information will we learn today?" "How will I test my strength today?" But today, today I finally see some light at the end of this dark tunnel.
     It is really hard for me to put into words my jouney and my story these past 7 months, but I am going to try. I have gone from a puddle on the ground to a very strong ray of sunshine in just a matter of months. The day when I was told of the news of Jason I was shocked, stunned I had no idea what I was going to do; how I was going to "survive." It soon became clear to me that I needed a better life for myself. I was hit like a ton of bricks. I finally got it. It was a clear "aha" moment. I knew that my life was worth more than what I was living and I deserved so much more respect in a partner and in a friend. I made a decision to end things with him shortly after the 3rd and decided to live my life from that moment moving onward and upward. I honestly have never looked back since.
     Life moved forward from that moment on. I became nothing more than a girl with a stronger heart. The New Year came and went and so did the publicity.  What is interesting is that the lies and truth get so misconstrued at times and the line drawn between a truth and a lie is always too closley blurred when it comes to the news.. but we got passed it. As a team, my family and I moved forward.
     On March 22nd while I was on my solo adventure trip in Boston we learned more information to our story and ever since that day it has been a constant fight for the truth. 11 weeks ago all of our lives changed again, but this time the change was different. All of a sudden we were faced with having to practice patience and trust. We had to find our inner faith and surrender in some way to what was and pray for what would be. We had to fight for what we knew was right. It took 11 weeks, but I am so happy to say the truth did infact prevail. Good conquered evil. The books are placed back onto their rightful spots on the shelf. Life is good. We got through it. As a team. As a family. As a packaged deal. We did it.
       As I write this post I am overcome with so many different emotions. I feel free. I feel like I just climbed the steepest mountain in the world. I feel like I am on top of the steep mountain looking at the beautiful view that we all have been waiting for. We climbed the mountain together. As a team. I want to say thank you to everyone who prayed. To everyone who sent letters. To everyone who showed love. I say thank you. 
       The truth wins. The light always shines. Good conquers evil. I know that there will be more hard times to come in my lifetime, but I am so happy to say that right now, in this moment, all is good. The view from the top of the mountain is beautiful.
  

Belief

     I am not sure what I hope to gain by writing this blog post, but I do know that that little voice inside of me has been telling me to write. So, here I am. Writing. So much has been going on these past few weeks. I feel like life consists of waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for something good to happen. Waiting for the storm to pass. We are all just waiting and I can't seem to grasp why the waiting needs to happen.
     When we are little we are taught that good always conquers evil and that the hero will always defeat the bad guys in the end. We are also taught that love will just happen to you, and that your Prince Charming or Princess are just going to be right there in the right moment. Well, I have grown up believing all of this to be true. Lately, I am starting to doubt. Why do bad things, no not bad things, but horrific things have to happen to us? I know that it makes us stronger in the end, but why do we have to go through this pain and suffering? It seems unfair. It really does.
     So we wait. There is nothing we can do about it. Just waiting for the storm to pass like I said. "This too shall pass" keeps repeating in my head. "All will be well." " Everything will be fine." "Trust" "It's all part of a bigger plan." I say these phrases to myself over and over again and pray that I will start to find some sort of understanding. Why did all of this have to happen? Why does one person's mistakes effect so many? It is just mind blowing how connected we all are as human beings. Think about it, because of one person's poor decisions so many have suffered. It just boggles my mind.
     I find myself talking to the universe a lot. I also find that in hard times like this, you need to turn to your blessings. Look for the postives and try to embrace the mess that you are in. It will all be clear eventually.
     I am still going to believe in those fairytales I read as a little girl. I am still going to believe in the magic of good conquering evil and truth winning in the end. I believe in the hero defeating the bad guys. I believe that prince's find their princesses. I will keep on believing. I believe in my family. I will continue to believe in what has been built and I will always believe in the truth.
     Just keep on believing, you almost have no other choice because once you lose faith and hope, you don't have much to work towards.
      Let's keep moving. Moving forward. Let's keep learning and growing and working towards a better tomorrow.



   

The Moment

     I am currently on the train on my way to New York. I was so sad to say goodbye to Boston and to my friend Jessica! I had the best time there. I also was able to have a moment of clarity. I finally had the moment I have been looking for. This moment that I needed could not have been found at home, it could not have been found going on a casual walk around the block, it could not be found in a Doctors office talking to a therapist, this moment had to be found by me in a new place. I needed to follow my instincts to get to this moment and I needed to trust in the process and have patience. I would like to share this part of my journey on here. I found it very uplifting and it played a huge role in my journey thus far.
     I was in the Common in Boston walking around, the Common is a beautiful area with different paths and beautiful scenery to look at as you walk by. I was walking down one of the paths, the snow was on the ground and it was just a little before sunset. I had some time before I needed to be anywhere, so I just decided to explore a little bit. When I was on one of the paths, I realized that I had envisioned this path before. I had seen it. A few months ago I had envisioned three paths before me, to my left was one path and there was someone in front of it looking at me, to my right another path with a different person standing in front of it looking at me and then there was a middle path that no one was in front of. The path I saw was dark and light all at the same time. It had trees and it looked mysterious. When I had this vision I made a choice to go down the middle path. I wanted to to go down the path with no one in front of it, and I needed to do this for myself. Not for anyone else but me. I could not believe that I had found the middle path! It actually existed! As I continued walking down this path I found myself looking up to the sky, looking for some kind of answer as to why I felt so strongly to go to Boston.. and then as if the Angels had heard me I saw it. I saw the sun, I saw the water, I saw this view that was just so breathtaking I couldn't help but cry. I was not crying out of sadness, but out of joy. Pure joy. I felt myself open up in a way I haven't been able to open up. I felt a cleanse. I felt like my heart was opening back up. I felt my whole soul being cleaned of the toxins, of all the lies of all the betrayal. I found myself being so thankful that I had gone through what I had gone through because it all led me to THAT moment. I needed THAT moment. I found myself thanking every single person that was a part of the lies. I found myself in a new light. I was finally seeing clearly and I was finally gaining perspective. I just stayed for a good hour watching the sun set on the water. I just stood there in awe of the view. I rarely cry at views, but I could not take my eyes off of this one. It was so beautiful. I felt beautiful. The whole experience was simply beautiful.
     I eventually left the moment, because all moments must come to an end at some point, but that feeling has not left me. I carried it with me during my last days in Boston and I am still carrying it with me as I travel to New York. I am so happy that I followed my instincts and took this trip. I am so thankful that my heart feels like it is finally trusting again and opening up in a new way. I am just so happy. 
    I wanted to share this story on here because I feel like I have been really open and honest about my journey thus far. If anything, I have realized that we all have daily struggles, we all have things that happen to us, bad or good. We all go through pain at one point. I want to share my journey because I want everyone to know that there will always be light at the end of a dark unknown. There will always be silver lining. Follow your gut. Trust your instincts. Keep your curiosity fresh. Never stop learning. 
    The Boston part of my adventure is over, I am so grateful that I found my path and my view. I will never forget it. Alright New York... let's see what you have to offer!

 
 

The Adventure Begins!

     Well, tomorrow I embark on my adventure. I will be flying to Boston and then will end my journey in New York. I am so excited for all that is to come! I have no idea what this trip will bring, but for some reason I have felt a burning desire and have been hearing my inner voices tell me that I need to take this trip and I am done ingorning those voices inside of me. They are telling me something. Who knows what will happen or what I will see? That's the best part! I have no idea what this adenture will bring! What doors will it open? Which doors will it close?
     I feel like there will be a moment that will make me smile and I will think, "oh, thats why my inner voice told me to come here." It may not be a big moment, but it will be a moment nonetheless. I am ready to just take life by the horns and live out the moments it has planned for me.
      This will be a great way for me to just have some time with myself to explore and grow in new ways. It is hard sometimes because there are daily reminders of all the lies that were in my life a few months ago. The things or people I see on a daily basis are all constant reminders of what happened and I hate the feeling it gives me. It always makes me feel like my stomache is on fire or something, my whole body tightens and I just can feel myself getting angry. Anger is such a waste of energy.
    
     I do not think I will ever grasp why this happened, but I am so thankful it did! I wouldn't trade what happened for anything. It was the push I needed! I know what I want. I have accomplished so many personal goals within the last few months that have just made me grow and blossom into a better person.
     I know I am on the right path. I have known it for a long time, what I need to do is readjust the way I see certain people that were a aprt of the unveiling. I need to see them as stepping stones and people that helped me reach this better path. I need to not see them as secret keepers or hurtful, I need to see them in a positive way. I need to, I am hoping my trip inspires me to take a step forward in that mind set. I know it will.
                              

                       "To Thine Own Self Be True"

    That quote could not ring more true. All we can do is be true to ourselves. If you ever feel lost just close your eyes and see what you want. Breathe fully in and fully out and allow yourself to tell you what you want. My whole entire being is telling me that I need to go on an andventure, I am so glad that I am finally listening to myself.
    This will be an adventure. I feel like I am just leaping into the unknown. I have no idea what I will find along the way, but I know that this is a trip that is vital for my growth.
   

  Here I go. (Turning the page to the next Chapter)
   

Control

       I do not know how to begin this one, but I know that once I start writing everything will just unfold the way it is meant to. One major thing I have learned is that you can't control things that happen in your life. Sure, you can attempt to control some things. You can get a job to control your money, you can have certain relationships to control your everyday life, but we can't control what the universe throws at us. We can try, but we just can't. It is so easy to have hope and wish for things to work out some way, but the truth is, is that you never know what is going to happen. Today was a big day for me because the old Amanda would have freaked out at the news she heard and would have just crumbled into a million pieces because the plan I had under control was ruined, but today, was an affirmation that I have grown and that no matter what comes my way, I know I can handle it. I know that life throws us curve balls and we just have to roll with the punches. We can't control what happens... we can try, but we just can't. 

      We have all been hurt at least one time in our life, and we all can relate to the feeling of walking into a room and knowing that people were just talking about you because it gets super quiet. Even in those moments, you can't control what others will say or do. What I can control is how I handle situations and how I act towards certain events in my life. I never know why the universe throws certain things at me. On Sunday at my matinee, there were a few people there that have played a huge role in MY story. It was so shocking to me to look out and see one of them  and then pan across and see another and so on and so fourth. I decided to take this is a sign from the heavens that this was a test for me. There had to be a reason why all of our paths crossed on this day and there was a reason why I needed to get my message across. I saw them right before I was about to sing my song about "waking up." I creepily relate to this song, and feel like it came into my life at the right moment. I am so happy that I was able to sing that song to those people in the audience. I am so happy that my feelings were able to come across because the truth is, I will never be able to fully get them to understand how hurt I am, and how their presence in MY story has affected me.  The universe works in mysterious ways. 

         I have now reached the stage where I am done controlling what happens to me. I am done trying to create something to be something when it just wont be. I am done controlling what people do or say or act around me. People are going to do what they are going to do. People are going to think what they are going to think. The truth is, is that you have to learn to accept what happens and then control how you will handle it. 

       Today has brought some closure, some tears and some reminders that I am on the right path. I have never doubted the decisions I have made the past 3 (almost 4) months for a second. It is all in divine order and I am here to tell you that everything is going to be ok, and if I am saying that, then you need to know that I believe it.