Jimminy Cricket.

      "Live to the fullest degree, in pleasure every step of the way. Live your wildest dreams out.Realize your destiny and LIVE IT UP! Close your eyes and see your potential. Where you can go and what you can do. Then live this!"

-Veronica Rae 

      Well here I am, about to enter month three of my journey. You know, I had someone tell me on New Years Eve that they were hoping that one day I could "calm down" about everything. Now, I don't know why that remark has stuck in my head so well since the start of the new year. The thing is, I do not think I will ever "calm down" about what happened, nor will I ever stop thinking about it. What happened is a part of my life, my life story, and now I see it as a way to act as a role model for other people. Through this tragic event, it has been made clear to me that I need to step it up and be that person that people look at and think, "wow, how is she doing that? She is remarkable." I want to be remarkable. I want my light to shine so bright that people just don't know what to do when I enter a room. Seriously! It could happen.. right? :)
        Each month that has passed since that awful day has brought me something new. The first month I was rediscovering my lost self, the second month was all about jumping into dating and trying to rediscover the feeling of being happy to have someone by my side, this month I have shifted gears and am in a place of content. I feel like I have chosen to go down this awesome path called the unknown. It really is so scary, that it is amazing. The best part about this path that I am on is that I get to do it alone. I know I will have my best friends and my family along the way, but I get to make the decisions and I get to finally pick and choose what I do. I am going to be selfish for awhile, and you know.. thats ok. I have decided that I am at the place in my life where I get to be selfish. 
       My wonderful niece, Grace, turns 8 years old on Saturday. I cannot believe that 8 years have gone by since the day we all welcomed her into this world. I like to think how young I was when she was born, and how much her and I have changed and evolved together. I have been feeling really sad the past couple of days, but what has gotten be through is knowing that in some way my journey can help her journey in the long run. 
      We all have our hard times, we all have our secrets and we all have that inner voice that keeps pushing us towards something bigger and better. That inner voice is like my own little Jimminy Cricket.  I have been ignoring Jimminy for far too long, and NOW I am going to listen to him. My personal Jimminy will help me get through this month, and soon one month will lead to another month and soon a year will go by and so on and so forth. I know with every ounce of my being that my choice to go down the unknown path was the right one. It's all part of a bigger plan. I need to trust in that. 
    I like to share little bits of my story because it's important for me to know that my voice is being heard. I want people to know where I am at and what I am feeling because maybe in some way I can help someone else that is going through something unbearable. Maybe I can be someone else's Jimminy Cricket. 
     I am looking forward to month three. I think it is going to be full of wonderfully unknown miracles. The best thing to do is just trust and let be.

"When you are looking for something... stop. Know what direction you feel pulled towards. Here lies the object of your desire."

-Veronica Rae

     

My Journey to Find Light

Strength. Finding your inner strength. I believe that strength has a strong correlation to light and I believe that all of us have an inner light that shines in us. It is only when that light is shining bright that you feel the most like yourself. When the light is dark, you start to feel like you're losing a sense of who you are and that everything is spiraling out of control. When your inner light is dark you may find that you are a more negative person and that you tend to get annoyed with people more, or feel the feelings of hate and disgust towards people without truly having a valid reason. Without even realizing it, when your inner light is dark you are in a more negative place. I can say all of this because I have experienced this first hand. My inner light has been dark for a few years now and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize it until one day when I was curled up in a ball on the floor feeling like everything around me was falling apart. A song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat popped into my head and everything made sense. "... may I return, to the beginning, the light is dimming and the dream is too. The world and I, we are still waiting. Still hesitating. Any dream will do." It was those words that made me realize that I wanted more and that I deserved more. I remember speaking those words and crying, not because I was sad, but because in that moment I had lit the flame again and I started to feel like my inner light was shining brighter then it had in a long time. Sometimes, you have to return to the beginning and just start a new. I wanted to share this moment not to boast about how strong and great I feel, but to just put it out there, just in case there is someone going through something similar. We are all on this earth to help one another and we are all in this wild and crazy life together. It is important that when we learn personal life lessons that we find ways to get our stories out there so we can perhaps help someone else that is suffering. I have had a lot of people ask me where my strength comes from and how I am doing so well... all I can say to them is that my inner light has been finally re lit and it is shining brighter than ever. Once you can get that inner light to shine brightly, nothing is more powerful than that. 

Lessons Learned

      Well it is Christmas Eve, and here I sit waiting for my family to arrive for our annual Holiday gathering. Today has been all about tradition, well normally isn't that what the Holidays are all about? Tradition? In the past, I would try to relive the same Christmas Eve over and over again. I would get so upset when something would fall out of place or wouldn't feel right. Today, I feel my growth more than ever. I have noticed that I just have learned to go with the flow of things, and you know what? I have had the best day so far. The thing is, you can't plan anything. You can't plan who will be a constant and who will be a distant memory in your life.. you can hope, but you can't plan.
     There is a quote that my Mom shared with me today that really spoke true to my heart.

"Nothing ever goes away, until it has taught us what we need to know."
-Chodron

 

             This quote only speaks truth. I have had to remind myself lately that we are all here on this earth to learn lessons.. whether they be big or small, we are all here to learn something. Some may need to learn patience, some fideltity and some trust. I know that thinking this way has helped me get through this tough time in my life. I believe that we have contracts with people and when the contract comes to an end, then it is time to continue on YOUR path and find new contracts and lessons to learn. I truly know that I have grown so much these past few months alone, and am a better person because of the time I spent in the dark. Just like Katy Perry says in the song Firework,

"after a hurricaine comes a rainbow, maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road."

              Here's what I plan to do, I plan to coninue on my path. I plan on contiuning to be the strong woman that I have discovered. I plan on accepting whatever changes come my way because this is all part of a bigger plan. I plan on trusting that the lessons I learn, are only helping me prepel forward into the life that I deserve to live.
               I am thankful for the lessons I have learned so far and for the distant memories in my life because without them, I would not be the strong person I am today.

              Merry Christmas. Treasure the moments you share today and tomorrow, because you can't always count on the traditions to last.




  

I am Woman hear me ROAR

Well, here I am again. I have been absent for some time. My life has changed drastically in the last month and weirdly I am the happiest I have been. I have been wanting to write something, I just haven't been sure what to say. This morning my Mom sent me a quote that really spoke to me and I wanted to share it on here:

Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it's personal. And the world won't end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don't miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your names, dress yo and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution.' And at last you'll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking."

-Audre Lorde

This pretty much sums it all up. I recently found a children's book that was given to me by our family friend, David Cooper. In the book he had written, "Amanda, may you always be free to dance the dance that lives within you." That is exactly it.. I have to feel free to dance the dance that lives within me, in my soul. 

In life it is so easy to lose a sense of who you are and what you want to become. We can get boggled down with worry and fear. I was finding myself going along in life trying to control every little thing that came my way. I was so afraid of change that I decided that it was my responsibility to never let change come my way. I became a control freak without even realizing it. Then, one day, my life totally changed. In one instant the life that I knew just changed. It was out of my control. It took me a few weeks to realize that change happens. It is inevitable. But, it is how we deal with the change that affects our future. We can't say to ourselves, "why me" because change is a positive thing. Change can break you from a bad habit, change can open doors up for you that you never even knew was possible. Change can open your eyes to the life you are meant to live. So, here I am... living a life with a whole new outlook. 

I am very happy. I am very content with the road I am on right now and I know that I owe it all to my Nanny and my Grandpa George. They saw from above that something was not quite right and they had to do something big so that I would understand why I needed to go down this new road. 

It is all in divine order, and there is always something bigger at work. Have faith, trust in the changes and just enjoy the ride! Oh, and sing your life, above all else, take it and sing it!

Gaining my voice back

     You know, it's funny. I have started typing this blog multiple times over the past few weeks, but I keep erasing my words and trying to start over because I am too afraid what people may think about my thoughts.

      I do this too much. In life, I often erase what I am thinking and feeling so I can please others around me. Lately I have been getting bothered by little things. I then start to obsess for it, which in return makes it get bigger. I keep all of the thoughts in my head and the problem is never addressed.. it just gets bigger and and bigger and bigger....

   

     I WISH I could just say them. I WISH there were no boundaries and I could just be open about what I am thinking... good or bad. 

    

     I know people that are very open and I applaud them. I will admit that sometimes it is a little much, but you know something? When those types of people give me a compliment or tell me something, I take them so seriously because I trust them. I know that they wouldn't say anything that they didn't mean. 

    

     Sometimes in life when we get upset about something, we often put blame on the other person. We point the finger and say "you, you you!" When really.... all the anger, all the insecurities and all the upset stems from yourself. You should really be saying, "me, me, me. How can I change this situation? Why am I so upset by this?" More often than not, you will find that you are upset because the other person brought something up that you haven't been wanting to deal with and that you have been secretly insecure about.

    

     Lately, I have felt like I have needed to be very careful with what I say. I keep thinking things in my head and not saying them out loud. I do not think this is a good. I believe this makes for a weaker person and I do not want to be weak... who does?

    

     I want to be a strong person. I want to be able to say what I am thinking and mean it. I want to stay true to what I believe is right and fair and not let anyone influence my decision. I need my voice back. I am gaining my voice back. Tonight is the start of it all. 

    I will be a strong individual and I will stay true to what I know to be true. I will not let anyone get in my head and influence my decisions and reasoning. I will stay focused and stay on my path. I will try and not let the little things bother me so much and I will try to let the people that I have built up in my head fade out and go back to being little specks on this earth. I will focus more on the people that I love and I know love me. I will focus on light. I will focus on love. I will focus on being thankful. 

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am looking forward to being a bit stronger than I was today. 

Take a deep breath... here we go.

     
    

You Gotta Have Heart

    I have a question for you. What is important to you? As a human being what do you personally find important? What do you let get brushed aside and when do you decide that you need to fight for what is right?

    Alright, I know that was more than one question, but they are all related. When it comes to your passion, how involved can you be until you have gone too far?
 
    I know that in my world and the world of my peers, Theatre becomes the most important thing because that is our passion and we immerse ourselves in it. In a previous post I touched upon this topic and realized that when it comes to life or Theatre all of it is just stuff. The fight you get into with your significant other or parent or sibling, the clothes you just have to have, finding the perfect diet, always needing to be right, the fame, the glory, the acceptance, having your own stapler... I am sorry to tell you, but it is all just stuff. What is important? In life? In the Arts? Well, what is important to me in life is laughing, singing randomly, my family,chocolate, my close friends and when it comes to the Arts telling the story and being able to work as a team on and offstage is so important.

     I fear that our world is starting to get into the stuff aspect of it all. I think it is important to constantly remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. That constant reminder is what we need. Are you doing it solely  for yourself? Are you doing it for others? Are you doing it for fame? Are you doing it because you can't imagine doing anything else? Why are you doing what you are doing? Answer these questions regularly to help keep your motives positive and engaged.

     I know why I am doing what I do. I know that it keeps me strong and focused and I know what is important to me. I know that people don't need the glitz and the glamor and fame to have an amazing show or live a great life. It is all about the heart and the right intentions behind each choice that we make. Just like the song says from Damn Yankees:

 "You've gotta have heart
All you really need is heart
When the odds are sayin' you'll never win
That's when the grin should start."

     If you know what you want and you know what you believe and you have the right support behind you, than you will not fail. Live your life the way you want to live it and do not let anyone tell you different. We are all here doing the same thing, but what separates us from one another  is how we go about doing what we do and what intentions we have behind each motive.

 Live with heart, live with hope and live with self awareness. 




    

    

I am....

I am my own person
I am not ashamed of how I feel
I am not going to feel bad for the choices I have made
I am not going to give in to your kindness
I know
I know
I know
I am a great person
I love to laugh
I love to smile
I love to be, just be
I am happy the way I am
I am my own person
I am my own person
I am going to trust my feelings
I am going to trust