A sneak peak into my inner thoughts. Enter at your own risk :-)

     I am just going to write. I feel like I always have a lot to say and then the moment I sit down to write, I never know what to say, or I feel like I just end up rambling with no point to what I am saying. When in fact, there is a lot to say. Each and every day I am aware of how lucky I am to live a life of the ordinary. There are no real worries, no real health problems. Sure, I wish I could own my own home or be richer or know what it is like to have a weekend full of hikes, sunshine and nature....but the reality is that I don't have those things, but what I do have is constant love that surrounds me daily, every single day of the week, I have an adventurous life full of children, laughter, stories and friendship. I do live a very rich life. I have a warm comfy bed to sleep in at night, a husband that doesn't let a moment go by without telling me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me and a family that stands together and loves one another unconditionally. 
   You know, I started this blog back in college when I felt like I missed writing, and this blog then turned in to a healing place for me to go after my horrific break up, and then later it turned into a place where I could write my thoughts with the hope that my thoughts would help at least one person. I like to write, I always have. I have piles and piles of notebooks in a trunk that used to be my Nanny's and I look back on them often. 
    The thought "I am enough" has been with me a lot lately. I think we often feel like we aren't enough, or we don't measure up to the "person" we THINK we should be. The truth is, you ARE enough. We ALL are. I hate that there's competition out there and there's always that fear of "oh, they are better than me" or "I am going to be better than so and so" the sad part is, is that that never leaves us. From school to adulthood, we are always putting ourselves under this crazy pressure. Well, I am writing to let you know that we don't need to do that anymore. We don't need to pressure ourselves into being something that we just aren't. It's good to have goals and dreams, but only if it fuels you. Only go for the stuff that lights that light inside of you because thats where your passion lies. We all know that feeling I am talking about, that feeling when your dreams meet your reality and something happens inside of you that lets you know that you're exactly where you are meant to be in that moment. It's pure magic. 
    We are all on a journey. I like to believe we all signed up for what we are living long before we even came into this world. We sign up for things because we are here to learn. Learn about ourselves, learn about each other, learn about humanity. I often find myself thinking about what I signed up for, what is the main lesson I am here to learn? So far, I am pretty convinced that I signed up to learn about patience and control. I joke about this, but I strive everyday to be "breezy" and to not control every little thing that happens to me. I have gotten better, but I know that with every circumstance that comes my way, I am constantly being tested to see how I am doing. The truth is, you can't plan anything! You just can't! You can try... but sometimes a curve ball is thrown at you and that curve ball is called life! The best thing to do is just LIVE. LIVE each day without worry or fear. We have to live out lives with kindness and compassion for the lessons that everyone is facing.  Regardless if you live in a fancy mansion, a tiny studio apartment, travel all the time, or work 7 days a week, we are all in this together. We are. So, I think we should choose kindness, real genuine kindness... not the fake kind of kindness that's being thrown out there, but REAL, GENUINE kindness!
    See? Sometimes I just write and ramble and I have no idea what I am saying or even talking about, but I guess this blog post will give you a little insight into the constant inner monologue that is going on in my mind on a daily basis. I will go ahead and jot down a few inner monologue moments I have on a regular basis. This is lucky that I am sharing this... sometimes I don't like when people know what I am thinking. Proceed with caution.

"today is going to be a good day! I will be productive! It will be great"

"oh sure, I can help you here, oh sure I can help you there, oh sure...."

"I am enough. I am so enough"

"Should I have a cookie?"

"yes, I just won't eat a cookie tomorrow..."

"YOLO"

"I am enough, I am so enough..."

"why do mean people have to exist?"

"when will true colors shine through?"

"stay in the light"

"funny how I  only hear from people when they want something or it's convenient to them"

"Thats ok, the waves come in and they go out.... in and out... in and out... breathe in and out..."

" I am enough. I know who is there for me. That is what matters..."

"What if, what if, what if, what if..."

"Enjoy this ordinary day. For this ordinary day is beautiful and something you will wish for later."

" Truth always prevails. Good always conquers evil."

"I am enough, I am so enough"

"I love you."

How about that? Seriously... those are thoughts that enter my brain all day every day! Pretty exciting huh?

Well, I think it's time to wrap up this blog post. I am not so sure what I wrote about, but I do think that it feels good to write and get my thoughts out there. Knowing that maybe, just maybe, my thoughts will help at least one person makes it all worth it. 


Just remember, to be kind to one another, pay attention to what lessons you are destined to learn and constantly keep telling yourself that you are enough. You are so enough!

One Month. 🦋

I have been thinking a lot lately about butterflies and because they have been on my mind, naturally I have been seeing a lot of them. While on my family vacation my Dad mentioned how a butterfly only lives a very short time. I couldn't quite shake that thought. And now, every time I see one I see them as not only a beautiful butterfly, but also as a ticking time bomb. It made me want to know more and to think more on this. Through my research I have found that butterflies, on average, live about one month. Their soul purpose is to mate and then die. They are here to leave a legacy of leaving more of their kind on this earth and once they are done with their task, they die. How poetic is that?! 

It got me thinking that if I was a butterfly, how would I want to live my one month to the fullest? I have decided to break it down.

My fist day as a butterfly:🦋

I would make my presence known. I would FLY! I would SOAR to as many places as I could. I would want to meet as many people as I could and see as much as I could. I would want to be known as the "friendly" butterfly and to be known as the one that someone could come up and talk to if they felt like they needed to. I would focus on my sight mostly. I'd become observant of how life worked and how I could fit into it.

The weeks following:🦋

In the weeks following I would continue to explore and discover new things and ideas. I would want to feel all the emotions one feels in their lifetime. I would want to feel happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, laughter, excitement, love, the list could go on and on... I would want to try and feel it all because I think feeling all the feels would make me a stronger butterfly.

My last weeks on earth:🦋

I would hope to find love, a kind of love that I would do anything for, I kind of love that pushes me to be the best version of myself and still gives me the freedom to be me. I would hope to find love and in the last remaining weeks on earth, I would want to spend it with all the people I meant along my journey. I would want to feel all the emotions again because that's what it feels like to be alive! I would want to know that my last few weeks on this earth was worth every pain, every heartache, every loss, every tear, ever laugh, every smile... I want to know it was all worth it.

My last day as a butterfly:🦋

After much thought, I would want my last day to be spent making as many people as I can smile. Many people associate butterflies with their loved ones that have past away. When they see a butterfly they often think that it is their loved one coming down from heaven to check in. I would want to be that moment of joy for them. I would want to be that piece of heaven that visits them and gives them some sense of peace. In my last moments of being a butterfly, I think I would die smiling, knowing that I did all I could do in my short time. I would die happy knowing that I made an impact on earth, even if it was a small one.

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

Even just thinking about being a butterfly made me realize more than I thought I would about my life as a human on this earth. I see now that all the other "stuff" that happens in life, the jealousy, the egoistical behavior, the thrill of winning, the desire to "always be right," the silliness of losing a dear friend over something you don't know anything about, is all just ghoulish! It doesn't matter. The negativity doesn't matter, the worry, the anxiety the stress... it just doesn't matter. When I die, all of that is just not going to matter. What's going to matter is the love that I felt in my heart, the joy I had in my smiles, the heartbreak I felt when I lost someone I loved, the family that I made, the memories that I have in my heart. 

That's what going to matter. 

And so, I ask you now, how would you live your life if you were a butterfly? 🦋

Enjoy life while you can, smile at people, tell your story, listen, be thoughtful and courages when times get tough and don't let the "stuff" of life get to you because in the end, it just doesn't matter. 

🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

2017! How did we even get here?!

2017. Sounds so "futuristic." I am always amazed with how fast time goes, and it seems like as I get older time just moves faster. I notice things more. This year I became more observant with the world and people around me. I watched certain emotions like love, happiness, sadness, sorrow, joy, passion, heartache and worry unfold within me and around me.

As of late I have noticed that many people are feeling ready for 2016 to be a thing of the past and I know that a lot of bad things seemed to happen in 2016, but I also think a lot of transformative things happened. Things that needed to happen, things that we do not understand the "why" yet. 

In life, I think stuff just happens and we have to learn how to handle it, without knowing the "why." 

For instance, how did we get here, 2017? I do not know how or why it happens... it just does. Time is fleeting and if you aren't ready to buckle up and take the journey as it comes, then you're in for a rude awakening called LIFE. 

For the past few years I have written an "end of the year blog" mainly for myself, so I can go back and look at how far I have come year after year. When I was thinking about my blog for the end of 2016 all I could think about was how awesomely powerful 2016 was and how I hope that 2017 is full of more life changing moments, happy tears and hugs! So many hugs! 

My top 10 wishes for 2017 are as followed...

1. I wish for the good health of my family and my friends and myself for the entire year.
2. I wish for more answers as to "why" certain things happen the way that they do
3. To quote my 2.5 year old niece, I wish for "peace forever!" I know we are all feeling anxious about where we stand as a Country in the future, and I just hope through it all, we can learn to find peace, whatever that may mean to you. 
4. I wish for an easy going "wedding planning" year. Things seem to be falling into place so far, so I hope things continue to go as such.
5. I wish to continue to fall more and more in love with my guy Michael. He is incredible, and I hope that with each passing day, I never forget how incredible he is. 
6. I wish for more happy faces at The Ballet School. I LOVE my job and I LOVE the students and parents that have entered my life! I can't wait to make more friends and love more students!
7. I wish for Performing Arts Studio to continue to flourish and become the amazing program that I know it can and will be. 
8. I wish for adventure. I want to go to new places and be more adventurous with the food I eat. YOLO... am I right?
9. I wish to watch more sunrises and even more sunsets.
10. I wish to continue to be there for the ones I love. 


I am leaving 2016 with a grateful heart. I learned a lot. As I said before, it was a very transformative year. My family and I were faced with a health scare that we got through, and I think that through that scary time, I surprised myself with how well I stayed positive and trusted in the light. I also lost some friendships, and got closer to new friends. When I think back on this year, I picture myself on a beach, just sitting and watching the waves come in and go out. As I sat on this "life" beach, I was affected my some waves; some were too cold, or too warm. Some waves came in with a vengeance, while others drifted in peacefully. But, through it all, I stayed on that beach and found ways to enjoy the view. 

2017 is going to be a year full of new beginnings! I can just feel it! Let us all stay positive and enjoy the ride because if I have learned anything it is that time moves quickly and we never know what will happen, and when something does happen, we rarely get the honor of understanding the "why." So, all we CAN do is enjoy what we know and look forward to learning about what we don't know. 
Let's stand on that beach, hold hands and JUMP into the waves of 2017! Who's with me?!

Let's stand on that beach, hold hands and JUMP into the waves of 2017!

Goodbye 26... HELLO 27!

     Well, here I am... 27 years old! I guess technically I will REALLY be 27 at 8:57pm, but 27 years ago today I began my journey to this earth. Ever since my Mom found out she was pregnant with me, she kept journals about her pregnancy journey with me all through my 16th year. I love looking back on these journals because it just shows how far I have come and really how far all of us have come. Birthdays are very personal. When you really think about it, being born is quite a remarkable experience and all of us did it! It boggles my mind! 
     This past year has been full of growth, change and new experiences. I continued to discover my voice  and I learned a lot about myself and others around me. I wanted to share my list of things I learned in my 26th year and I hope to take what I learned and use it in my 27th year!


What I learned at 26...

- It's ok to allow surprises into your life, it doesn't always have to be planned out

- Sadie learning to walk was a BIG highlight!

- "Don't quit while you're ahead, sing out there's more in store for me."- being a part of The Mystery of Edwin Drood at Town Hall was a great way to begin my 26th year.

-Sometimes you start gong to therapy again and find that it is the most life changing experience of your life because you finally feel like YOU again!

- I can't control everything, I'm not that powerful. :) 

- Sometimes the high altitude of Lake Tahoe can make you feel light headed, especially right after eating a ginormous Thanksgiving dinner

- Family isn't just blood. Family is who is there for you when you need them most and who you can trust.

- It's always better when one of your best friends that was on her mission for a year and a half comes home and you can laugh and go to Target again with with her!

- Washing your hands and cloroxing everything REALLY does prevent you from getting sick

- There was something so joyful about watching Michael sing the song "she loves me" as George in She Loves Me. I will never forget about how giddy I felt in the audience

- Communication is everything and feeling comfortable to communicate is even more important

- It can be stressful looking for a new place to live, but if you have Jenny by your side to help you find the perfect place, it makes all the difference in the world.

- It's fun living with your very best friend Michael Doppe

- Mayella Ewell will always have a piece of my heart

- Being able to spend time and moments with my To Kill A Mockingbird cast was a BIG highlight of my 26th year. Thank you all for everything. 

- Being asked to be a Bridesmaid in one of your life long friends wedding is a surreal and beautiful experience. 

- Words matter

- Cancer sucks, but early detection does't suck because they can help you!

-Doctors know what they are talking about and they really can help you.

- My mom is the most amazing woman on the face of the planet. She is an angel. 

- WE GOT THIS

- I love Disneyland. I love my Ballet School family... so going to Disneyland with them was SO FUN and I can't wait to do it again!

- Sometimes you JUST have to get that BIG CONE of Chocolate ice cream and eat it down the streets of California Adventure

- having to go back to your high school years and sell ice cream with your best friend, Ariel, is SO FUNNY and a memory I will NEVER forget! #whatyearisthis

- selling the bible in the lobby of the theatre with your best friend, Ariel, makes you sometimes ask yourself #whatisthislife

- Young REP Summer 2016 taught me one major thing: And Life Goes On....

- Speaking of Young REP.... I also realized that it is harder than I thought to say goodbye to students that are going off to College that I have known since they were 11 *cough* Kathleen *cough* I'll just be over in the corner crying some more....

- I love Young Actors Studio and this past summer was truly exceptional. 

- The Disney Aulani resort in Hawaii is full of magic

- My dad makes me smile

- When things bother me or people bother me I just remove myself from the situation. It's the only thing I can do to control the situation. Whether that's the "right" thing to do, I don't know, but its what I do. 

- Hearing little children sing Seasons of Love makes my heart pitter patter

- Benny is still my favorite student

- Watching Grace do Kung Fu makes me proud to call her my niece. She is such an amazing young lady

- Waking up at 5:15am every morning changed the way I viewed the world. 

- I like watching the sunrise everyday

- The show Devious Maids is TOP NOTCH

- When one of your dearest friends tells you that he and his wife are having a baby and you are so excited you can't even deal!

- Laughing and dancing cures all 

- Flywheel is one of my new favorite places

- working out in the dark is GENIUS

- I got Diogi as a Birthday present for my 13th Birthday and to this day he is still one of the BEST gifts I have ever received

- There are two sides to every story

- Doing the hokey pokey all day everyday is life changing because you are constantly asking yourself, "maybe this really IS what it's all about?!"

- Love conquers all





As I head into 27 I find myself excited for the unknown! I know this will be another year full of growth and change. I pray for more happy than sad and more laughter than sorrow.

"I pray for more happy than sad and more laughter than sorrow..."

CHEERS to 27!

 

A little story.

     Once Upon a time there lived a little girl. She lived each day feeling worry free because she had a roof over her head, lots of friends to play with, a family that loved her and her creative imagination. A typical day for this little girl consisted of playing in her backyard with her imaginary friends, hanging out at her Grandmothers house or going to work with her Mom and playing make believe in the office. She would imagine different worlds each and every day. Sometimes she was Princess Jasmine who just discovered Aladdin, other days she decided to be a mermaid and divided her house up into what was under water and what was land.  Her most favorite game was to put on the movie Mary Poppins and pretend to be all the characters and dance and sing just like they did. She lived her days fully and passionately. 
      
      Little by little and day by day this little girl started to grow up. She went to school, she met friends, she lost friends to other friends, she started to see that not everything was all sunshine and rainbows. As she traveled through time and got older, she started to doubt herself. She doubted who she was and how she looked. When she got to middle school she never saw herself as one of the pretty girls, she saw herself as a girl that was growing up and going through a lot of change. She discovered how fun it was to have a crush on someone, she discovered how great it was to have friends that were nice to her and thought she was funny. This little girl started to grow and change into a young woman. She never really got in trouble, she always saw what happened to her other classmates if they did something wrong and she decided she didn't want to be one of those kids. She was who she was and she tried really hard to accept that. 
      
      This young woman quickly grew up. It seemed the last remaining years of school went by very quickly and before she could even blink her eye she was getting ready for college. In the years leading up to her High School graduation day she had discovered her imagination again. She had found a circle of friends that truly accepted her and her beautiful mind. Needless to say, she was feeling pretty darn good as she headed into college. 
      
      She grew a lot there. She met life long friends, she learned a lot about what to do and what not to do. She loved. She hated. She cried. She laughed. She changed. Her imagination became less beautiful because she let it turn into worry. She let worry encompass her and she became trapped in her own body and mind. As the college years moved forward she became unrecognizable. She had lost herself and it was so bad she didn't even know she was lost. She was in a relationship that was toxic and uninviting. Her mind was clouded with doubt and worry and regret and hateful thoughts all the time. She stopped believing in herself, she stopped thinking she was remotely pretty. She was just a person on this earth trying to stay above water.  The little girl inside of her went away for some time.  
      
     Now, it could have been the angels up above that helped her, or maybe it was just fate. But, something changed. It had to. The demon that had stolen her identity finally showed his true colors and he was vanished to another land. Literally vanished. The light entered her soul again and her imagination started to come back. She started imagining what her life could and would be. She saw a world where she was the hero and she was the beautiful woman that she had always aspired to be. 
      
     As time moved forward, she grew up even more. She found the joy of being on her own. She went on many adventures and met a lot of new people. She was reminded of what it was like to have crushes and feel giddy. She lived her days much like her child self. She let her imagination take her to amazing places and she found her again. As time moved forward she decided she wanted the opportunity to share who she was, truly was, with someone else. She went on a quest to find him. She went on many bad dates with people that didn't really get it. She didn't let that stop her though, she kept going. She kept believing that she would find that one person she kept thinking about. She knew he was out there. And sure enough, one day he just was there. At the time she didn't know that he  was the one she had been searching for, but he knew and thats all that matters. He didn't give up on her when she was being stubborn, he just waited patiently for her to realize that he was the one all along. Luckily, she listened to her heart and let him in. She found that she was more herself than ever. She was so excited that she got to keep all the special powers that lived inside of her.  She didn't feel lost anymore. She was found. 
     
     I tell you this story because I have noticed something as of late. 
     
     I consider myself an observer. I watch what goes on around me and then form my opinions on the matter. Lately, I have started to see the adults around me as their little kids selves. I have tried to use my imagination to see into their young lives. I look at Hillary Clinton and see just a little girl in dance class, or I look at some of the strong Olympians and see their child self wanting to watch TV instead of practice. It has been a fun little game for me to play and I think it has helped me a lot to not take things and people so seriously. Through my little game I have discovered something that I feel needs sharing. I have discovered that when we get older, something happens. We lose that little kid self inside of us and we allow our imagination to turn in to something different. Some turn it into worry, some turn it into happiness and others turn it into ego. I know that ego is important because it motivates us to keep going and assures us that we can do certain things, but having too much ego is questionable. I don't know, I think when we make big decisons or say certain things it's important to ask ourselves, "what is driving me to say this? or "what is driving me to do this?" Is it ego? Is it excitement? Is it fear? If we ask ourselves and allow a time to check in, then we will always be driven by truth. If you can look in the mirror and be proud of who you are and what you represent, then that's all you can ask for. 

 The little girl inside of me gets sad sometimes by the ways of the world and how some adults have chosen to act, but I have to keep reminding her that her and I have come so far and if we just stick together, we are unstoppable. 

The End.


   

What's the lesson here?

     We all start as a blank page. We all begin with our own, Once Upon A Time and through our journey we come across good days and bad days, and sooner or later our blank page starts developing words and pictures that describe us and make us who we are. We grow, we learn, we change. And, much like many fairytales, we meet Heroes and Villains along the way. Sometimes the Heroes turn into Villains and sometimes our Villains surprise us and turn into our Heroes. We all start out not knowing what is to come, and as we age, we still share the same knowledge of not knowing. We have days when we aspire for greatness and then we have days where we feel like we can't do anything right. We are human. We are our own master pieces and we create the life we have. WE lead the way as individuals. WE create own own story. Which leads me to my point. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to strap on that warrior belt and head into that dark cave. Yes, we do not know what is inside the cave, but we do know that you can't find the light until you see the darkness. We do know that you can't walk around life trying to prevent every little bad thing from happening. Sometimes you just need to live your life and trust in that higher plan.  

    Which leads me to one of my favorite Disney classics, Sleeping Beauty.  Sleeping Beauty was kept in the dark for most of her life. Her parents wanted to protect her from the evil spell that Maleficent cast upon her when she was a baby.  They didn't tell her what had happened, they kept her royalty from her and made her live in the forest with three little woman, also known as the fairies. Sleeping Beauty grew up longing for a life of her own. She didn't know what it felt like to be alone, so when the moment finally came where she could be alone, she was drawn towards the one thing that her parents and the fairies had been protecting her of her entire life, the spinning wheel. What happened to Sleeping Beauty was sad, but I feel like it could have been prevented if her parents had just been honest with her. If Sleeping Beauty had known that there was a spell cast upon her and to not prick her finger on a spinning wheel, she wouldn't have done it. Also, the one thing that the parents tried so hard to not have happen, happened! It was part of her story the entire time. The parents couldn't prevent it, the fairies couldn't prevent it, it was destined to happen. Was it unfair? YES! TOTALLY! I mean.... who wants that kind of curse put on them? But, what we need to remember is that it all ended up alright in the end! Sleeping Beauty was able get some beauty sleep, as well as the entire kingdom and the Prince was able to fight off the evil Maleficent and find his one true love! Sleeping Beauty ended up winning in the end! What's the lesson here? Sometimes the one thing we are afraid of happening, could end up being the one thing that could save us and give us our own strength and one of several, Happily Every Afters.

     Take the very well known, Cinderella for instance. She was a lovely girl. She lived her life with grace, poise, kindness and heart.  She rarely got angry and would keep to herself when she knew she didn't want to interact with the evilness around her. She did her jobs that her stepmother and stepsisters left for her and she always kept dreaming and hoping that one day her life would be something different. I admire Cinderella. She could have easily ran away or found ways to get back at her stepfamily through hatred and violence, but she didn't. I think deep down somewhere, she knew that one day karma would come back to bite them all. When Cinderella found out that she couldn't go to the ball and the gown she had made was tattered and ruined by her evil stepfamily she was rewarded for good behavior by her Fairy Godmother. Because she always remained true to herself, then the Prince was able to see only her when she went to the ball. She left such an impact on him, that he made it his purpose to find her. After the ball and the whole "losing her shoe" fiasco Cinderella remained cool, calm and collected. She trusted that everything would all turn out alright. She had no idea that the Prince was going to find her, or that she would have the opportunity to speak her truth with her family and kingdom. Cinderella, still was brave enough to bypass her fears and allow her stepmother to lock her in that room when the Prince came by to find her. Cinderella didn't know what was to come, she just kept going on her path and sooner or later the truth was revealed. The Prince married her and she found her Happily Ever After and karma did, in fact, come back to bite her evil stepmother and stepsisters. What's the lesson here?  When you keep a kind heart and a true spirit you allow good karma to come your way. It's easier for a bright light to overpower darkness. Stay in the light and allow the darkness around you dissipate on its own.

      Our blank page doesn't stay blank for long. We start to add feelings and emotions and thoughts and opinions to our story. We create dramas and comedies and thrillers to our repertoire. We become more in touch humans that lead fascinating lives through every twist and turn of our story. So, why did I want to share this post with you? Well, I have recently added a new idea to my blank page and the idea is this, always be yourself, no matter what. Do not allow others to dictate how you should talk with others or how you should live your life. If you are feeling wonderful then feel wonderful, if you are feeling mad, then feel mad, if you are feeling lost, then allow yourself to feel lost. Sooner or later your feelings with change and you will move on to another one. We are always growing, always learning and always evolving into the Happily Ever Afters that we all want to be. Bottom line, don't be afraid to be your authentic self and to live a FULL life. Don't be kept in the dark about a spinning wheel and if you do find that spinning wheel, don't be afraid to prick your finger. Allow yourself to have kindness and courage like Cinderella and approach the negativity around you with an open heart. Sooner or later the truth will be revealed and the slipper will fit your foot. Trust in your story. It will always come together in the end. 

      

It can start with a picture. Hello 2016!

      

This year for my end of the year post I am starting with a picture. 

I came across the above picture when I was browsing the internet and I fell in love with it. I love how the girl in this picture is free! I love how she is exactly who she is and is exactly doing what she wants to be doing in the moment that this picture was taken. I feel that when I am at my best; when I am feeling the most like myself I am much like the girl in this picture. I think we all are.

I think all of us have an inner light inside of us that can be ignited by our own excitement! 

With 2016 fast approaching I find myself feeling very breezy about it. I am not feeling too excited and eager for this upcoming year, but I am also not feeling too negative and pessimistic about it. I am just in between. The spot right smack dab in the middle that says, "I am ready for the days to come, I am fully aware of all that could happen, good and bad. I will hope for the good and pray for the best! Here goes nothin!" Thats how I feel. I feel like I am just going to hope for a year full of growth and change in a positive way. I will pray everyday for good health for myself and my loved ones. That is all I can do. All I can do is pray for a healthy, positive and satisfactory year.

This past year I started going to therapy. I do not know why I have been so against it in the past. I have always felt like I already had a support group made up of my family and friends that could help me with my worries and my problems when I needed it. I always felt like I wouldn't know what to say to a complete stranger or I worried that I didn't have enough to say. It looks like I was mistaken. I am so glad that I started going to someone that has an objective opinion, that could really help me through some of my darkest moments and give me insight that I had never even thought of before. I have had to relive a lot of what happened to me 3 years ago, I have had to dig deep to figure out what makes my worry ad anxiety kick in. These are things I am still working on, but I do feel like I am figuring it all out slowly. If anything, I am walking away from 2015 knowing that I put in time for myself and that I am always going to be working on myself and how I can better the way I react to certain situations. I am leaving 2015 in the past, but taking the self improvement along with me in the year ahead.  I am looking forward to entering 2016 knowing that I will continue to work towards bettering myself. I know that there is change on the horizon and I know that the work I put into 2015 Amanda, will only help in 2016 Amanda. 

My hopes for 2016 are simple. I ask for health. I ask for growth. I ask for my "worry Amanda self" to continue to dissipate to make room for my true "powerful Amanda self". I ask for the continued love in my life and I want to open up the door for even more love to come in.  I ask for strength through the rough days and smiles through the good days. 

I am determined to make 2016 all about the picture I found. It's time to be free. It's time to be exactly the way I want to be in any given moment. It is time to turn the page and continue my story. 

HAPPY 2016 EVERYONE! 

#newyearnewme2016

Three Years.

      I hate that you hurt me. I hate that you still hurt me. I hate that the memories I have are still there. I hate that you don't think you did anything wrong. I hate. I hate. I hate. These emotions have been inside of me for three years. In just a few short weeks it will be the anniversary of the storm that came through. Over these past three years you would think I would know what to call it. I could call it what the Newspapers called it, "The (insert last name here) Situation" or I could call it what my close friends call it, "The F***** Up Situation" or I could keep calling it "the day that my whole world changed." No matter what you want to refer to it as, it happened and although it was already three years ago, it was still only three years ago. I do not think I will be able to "let this one go". I mean I will "let it go" and I have "let it go" and I have "moved on," but it doesn't change the fact that it is something that lives inside of me. It is an experience that I will never fully forget and just push aside. So, I have decided to just "Let it be."
        It was an unfortunate thing to have happened, and it happened to many people, yes, but most importantly I have to make very clear that most importantly it happened to me. It was a deliberate decision, it was something that I was completely blind sided with and the fear I still have of being completely blind sided again is a living thing that happens in my heart and mind daily. 
    Even though it was three years ago, I still have to take deep breathes when I start remembering that time, I still need to go to therapy and constantly hash out the hurt that I felt, I still need to remind myself that my life is not that anymore, and that I have worked hard to get to the life I have now. 
     I have been very anxious as of late. I have been feeling overwhelmed and like I can't quite catch my breath. It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized that I always start to feel a little extra anxious this time of year. Three years ago from this moment, everything was just about to stop and reveal itself. Three years ago today from this moment I thought I was happy. I thought my life was headed in a certain direction... and then BOOM! MAJOR PLOT TWIST!!!!! This time of year I always suffer from Post Traumatic Stress... I relive the moments leading up to the "situation" and I feel my body start to freak out. I start remembering that girl as a puddle on the floor and I feel sad for her. It takes everything inside of me to focus my energy on the good and the growth, but like I said, it takes everything inside of me to stay strong. 
    My break up was in no ways normal. It started off as a sereal dream that was kept somewhat private and it turned into a massive story that not only effected me, but my family and my entire community. But alas, three years later I look around and I see the growth and positive change it brought and I become appreciative. If none of that happened, I wouldn't be who I am today surrounded by the people I am surrounded by. Even though I have anxiety I am very very grateful and quite honestly if I were to ever see my ex on the street I would probably go up to him and say a huge "Thank You." Because even though what he put me through was completely dreadful, I grew from it and I learned and evolved. I know deep down that the bad things that happen to us in life are meant to help us down a different direction and are meant to bring good. I get it. I also know that it is a really hard concept to fully believe and put faith into. It's a process and I have to keep sharing my feelings because it is one of the ways I am able to heal. I need to keep writing because it keeps me honest. I need to keep telling my tale because if I am able to help at least one person because of what I went though, than it is all worth it. 
     Thank you to those of you that have truly stuck by me over the past three years. You have truly helped me get through some of my darkest days and not a day goes by where I don't realize how fortunate I am to have such amazing people in my life. And I know you know who you are, so thank you. I HAVE grown from all of this, and I will continue to grow and mature into the Amanda Leigh that is destined to be. I just have to keep remembering that it is a healing process and even though it seems a long time ago, it really wasn't all that long ago. I am grateful to have made it to the three year mark, but I also recognize that it has only been three years and I have to allow myself to feel the yucky feelings sometimes. Each day will continue to get better and I will keep trying to put trust in the Universe that all of this was for my highest good and the highest good of others around me. It'll all be well. As Dory says from Finding Nemo, "Just Keep Swimming.... Just Keep Swimming... Just Keep Swimming Swimming Swimming..."

Hello 26!

   My Birthday has been absolutely amazing. Yesterday (the day before my birthday) Michael took me on the most fabulous surprise adventure! He told me to keep the entire day clear! I was so excited to spend the day with him and to not have to worry about anything. My only hint about our special day was that I would have something to eat, to do and to see.

    In the morning we went to a fabulous brunch at The Cliff House in San Francisco. I have never eaten like this before! Everything was just cooked perfectly! A feast for a Queen!!! I loved every minute of it! Then, we went indoor sky diving at iFly! It was SO MUCH FUN! I have always wanted to go skydiving, but after doing this activity, I feel like my desire to really skydive has been diminished, which I am sure makes my family happy... haha! I don't think they were too thrilled about me wanting to jump out of an airplane! Now, I feel like I know what it feels like to fly... and let me tell you, I have a better appreciation for birds and the hard work that goes into flying! After our fun activity, Michael surprised me with AMAZING seats at The Lion King in San Jose!!!!!!!!!! It was such a fun day and I will never forget it! Michael made me feel so special yesterday and I just kept pinching myself because I couldn't believe that this was my life. 

   As I have lived through today, my actual birthday, I have found myself truly soaking up every single moment. I took time to feel what it felt like to have my niece Sadie wrap her little arms around me as I was holding her, I found myself hugging my parents just a little tighter and longer than normal. I found myself feeling grateful for the small moments that I get to spend with my sisters and friends throughout the day. I live a truly blessed life and I am so grateful for all of the love and care I have received all day and every day. 

   I think life is about the small moments. I think it is about taking the time to just appreciate what is around you. I know life is challenging sometimes and sometimes we can feel like we are drowning in a pool full of our own sorrow, but life is still good. The flowers still boom, the sun still shines and the moon still comes out at night to watch over us. 

   As I enter this next chapter of my life as 26 years old, I am going to take the time to focus on the moments that bring a smile to my face. I am going to stay grounded and not let my worry and anxiety get the better of me. I am going to stay courages and brave through tough times and I am going to keep coming from a place of love. I am going to show compassion and understanding and continue to ask questions and keep learning. 

   I am looking forward to seeing what this next year has in store! May it be filled with GREATNESS!!!

The Worry Wart Syndrome.

     I haven't written a post in awhile. It doesn't mean that I haven't had any thoughts I felt worthy of being documented, but I think life has just gotten the best of me lately, and free time has been spent doing other things.... like worrying :) I have found that I have been worrying a lot lately. The thing is though, when I do worry, I know it is silly. I am fully aware that my fear and worry of something horrible happening is ridiculous. I know that the reality of things are pretty good, and that what I worry about probably and most likely will not happen. I don't know if it's a control thing, or if it's because I have a wild imagination, but I am a really amazing worrier. Maybe that's it? Maybe we look at our faults and twist them around to be positive.  Just imagine talking to someone, "Oh, you're handwriting is perfect and you live in a beautiful house and drive an amazing car? Well, I've got you beat because I am the best worrier I know!" I think it could work! 

   

     I have been worrying about being a worrier for sometime now and it helps me to know that I am not alone. I think worry lives in all of us, some more than others, but I know we all experience that feeling at some point in our daily lives. I wanted to write a list of things that I have found to be helpful to me when I am in a worry tizzy! I find that when I worry I play the "what if" game... and that just doesn't help anyone. An average internal monologue in my head goes something like this, 

   

   "Well, what if I don't hear my alarm in the morning and am late to work? And then what if I get in my car and I realize that my tire is flat! What if I have to spend so much money to get it fixed? What if the car repair place tells me that I not only need a new tire, but I need new breaks, new windows, new engine, new everything! What if I can't pay, so I take up a second job. When the heck am I gonna find time to take up a second job? What if...! What if....! What if...! What if....!" 

     

    Do you see how one could just go crazy? I went from being nervous I wasn't going to hear my alarm, to being poor on the streets with no car and no time for a second job. Worrying is SILLY! It's exhausting! I am truly trying to work on this aspect of my life and I would love to help someone else in need that shares this Worry Wart Syndrome with me (yes, that is a technical name for it... maybe?) Here are just some things I do to help me stay grounded and come back to the reality of things when I let the "what if's" keep my feet off the floor.

Ways to deal with the dreaded Worry Wart Syndrome:

1. close your eyes and take three deep breaths... in.. and out... in and out... in and out..

2. always think of the worst case scenario and decide what is the likelihood of it actually happening.

           example: Worry Wart Amanda: "Oh! I am so scared to teach this class! What if the students hate me and don't believe anything I am telling them?

Grounded Amanda: What's the worst thing that could happen?

                            

                             Worry Wart Amanda: The students could fall asleep or just not show up the next class or just sit there and throw things at me and laugh in my face.

                            

                         Grounded Amanda: Now... what's the percentage of that scenario actually happening?

                              

                               Worry Wart Amanda: Well, actually, now that I think of it, I guess it would be about a 10% chance?

                         

           Grounded Amanda: Very good... now trust yourself, you got this.

3. sit in a chair with your feet firmly planted on the floor, close your eyes, focus on your breath and feel your feet in the floor and think of something positive and beautiful. Breathe in the good energy and breathe out the negative thoughts. Do this for about 30 seconds to 1 minute.  When you open your eyes, you should have a new take on whatever situation you're worrying about, and hopefully you aren't worrying as much!

4. write! write! write! Sometimes we let our imaginations get the better of us, and all the thoughts get stuck in our head and they play on loop over and over again. Well, write it down! Write down all your worries in a notebook or journal (or blog post) and I guarantee you will feel better. I often think that writing just helps get what is in your head out and once it is out, you can move forward.

5. play music! We all have those songs that make us feel happy or bring us back to a time when we felt the most free... listen to that song. It may help you gain some new perspective. 

6. eat a Banana. Seriously. They help with whatever is wrong. Always. 

7. talk to someone! Call up your family member that gives the best advice or talk to your partner in crime! Sometimes just talking things out helps. Don't keep it all in your head. 

8. Drink!!! Water of course! :) I have noticed that when I start to go on one of my "what if" rampages, it sometimes means that my head is foggy and I haven't had enough water. When you feel that cold water go through your body, you start feeling alive and I don't know about you, but it's always a good reminder that we are, in fact, alive. 

9. Hug someone. Well, maybe not a random person on the street, but hug a friend, a family member or your person. Just hug them. They will know that you need it and they will hug you tighter than you have every imagined and you will instantly feel safe. If you have no one to hug.... I will always hug you, so come hug me! :) 

10. Say these two little words.. " LET BE." Let whatever is bothering you, or whatever the situation is be. Bottom line, we can't control anything that happens to us. We can try our hardest to prevent something from happening to us, but we don't know. We really don't know what the final plan is for any of us. We can hope we know, we can keep faith, we can pray, but we don't actually know. So by saying, "LET BE." You are allowing yourself to trust in whatever it is that is happening. Sometimes the hardest stuff we go through in life, makes us the strongest.




Now... if I could only listen to my own advice ;) 

Dear World...

Dear World,
 
    I have been an observer of you for many years, but as of late I have found myself 
much more in touch with my feelings towards you and the people that walk on you. 
First of all, I have to say thank you for being such a glorious place to live on. 
The chirps I hear in the morning from the birds, the way the wind brushes lightly against my 
skin and the way the sun kisses my cheeks are moments in time and feelings that I will always 
hold close to my heart.
 
     I wanted to write to you today about mankind and human nature that encompass my world. 
Lately, I have found myself  getting really invested and irritated at other people. I have found that 
social media is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. It acts as a wonderful thing so people 
can share and keep in touch with one another, but it also acts as a way to boast, to create drama, 
to put on a fake persona.
     It is so funny to me because there are people that I absolutely  
cannot stand on social media, but in person can find them to be absolutely lovely.  
I wish there was a way to make people become less egotistical, less boastful and less
 irritating on social media. In person if we walked around the way we do on our facebook pages,
 I do not know if I could live on this world anymore, I would probably be joining the people 
going to Mars. I find that people are forgetting about the importance of personal contact.       
 
     Instead of texting, call. Instead of writing vague posts because you don't want anyone to 
really know what's going on, then just don't write anything at all or talk to a close friend about 
how you're feeling, or better yet...create blog;) OR write it down in a journal.
   
    All relationships are about communication. If healthy communication is lost, then 
forget about holding on to something meaningful.
 
     It's an interesting business that I am a part of, the world of Theatre. 
Us theatre folk make it our world. We live and breathe it and somewhere we get it into our head
 that we have to make it our number one priority in order to survive as humans.
 We make it our world. When one company does a show, we go to support the show,
 but all the while we are thinking in our heads how we would have done it differently,
 where we would have probably done it better. Even if you don't admit it, we all do it a little bit. 
Why can't we just go and enjoy it for what it is? 
If someone is putting on a show you just finished somewhere else, 
you can't help but feel a little envious and stepped upon. 
As if now someone else is taking from you what you received from that experience that you
 just went through. We have the mentality of "oh, well ours is better" or if you're on the other side 
of it, "oh, ours will be better than theirs." Why can't they both be good?
 Why can't they stand on their own as both really amazing experiences? 
We talk, we judge, we boast, but then once someone or people are in need 
we drop everything and are there. We get that we have to lean on one another in order to 
keep what we love alive, it is a hard business and you want to have as much support as you can. 
We are a part of our own world that is filled with a complexity of emotions. 
I find that social media doesn't always help our world. 
I find that it is easy to become offended and hurt by what others say. 
I wish that I could say that we are always in support of one another. 
I wish I could say that and really believe it. I am tired of spider talk. 
I am tired of the feeling of being judged. Why can't we just take a moment, 
put down our phones and enjoy the nature around us.
 Listen to the birds, feel the sun on your face and experience the life that is living around you. 
There is more to life than what you do. There is more to life than you're thoughts and 
the gossip of the world. There is more to life than what we even realize.
 
   As a teacher of this art form, I find it important to make sure each student, 
no matter the age, realize that life is more than theatre. 
I want my students to see the beauty of the world and take their own life experiences and 
use that on the stage. I want them to tell their stories from a truthful place. I want them to 
grow up in a community that supports, does not boast, and has good intentions by each thought 
they manifest into the world.
 
   So World, I am going to make it my personal goal to not feel stepped on by others. 
I am going to not let the words of others on social media make me feel the feelings of anger
 or insecurity. I promise that for every negative thought I have, I will say out loud three positive
 things to make up for it. I promise to live my life enjoying other things and keep finding new 
"thrills"of life. I will listen to the birds, the wind and the silence around me because that will 
keep me on track of my goals and intentions. I really do love the community that I have
 been a part of my entire life, I just want there to be no more negativity and more 
gratefulness and awareness that we are all in the same boat and all in this together.  
Awareness is key and I think for me personally, if I am more aware and stay in a healthy 
place with my thoughts, than my own personal world will become even brighter. 
You are more than welcome to join me.

Thank you for listening World. I just couldn't sit in silence any longer.


Yours Truly,
Amanda Leigh

Observations on the World.

    Trust. We all have a desire to feel safe whether it be in a relationship with your parents, siblings, or significant other. We want to feel that feeling of trust and like we could do or say anything and have the knowledge that it will all be ok. I have been an observer as of late. I have noticed that the idea of wanting to trust the people you surround yourself with in life is a common desire amongst everyone really. This feeling starts when we are babies. We want to feel safe with who is holding us and where we are at all moments. I have noticed that my baby niece will now make sad noises when she feels that someone she trusts is walking away, or if someone that she doesn't really know is holding her. She wants to feel safe. This continues on to our younger school years. My niece that is ten years old will hold my hand a little tighter if we walk passed someone she has a "weird feeling" about on the street, or she will talk about school and how she only feels comfortable with particular friends. As we travel forward in life we get into relationships and when we are young we find that we feel the need to know what your partner is doing every moment of every day. We want to know who they are talking to and how they are feeling. As we grow and have the life experiences that hurt us and make us strong, we learn that trust isn't so easy to get. It isn't just going to fall into your lap. You have to work at it. The people around you have to work at it. You have to learn to trust and you have to put faith in others. It's really hard, but once you have it and you feel it, you will feel that safe feeling you longed for when you were young.
     Through my observations in life I have also realized that how we react to certain situations reflect the outcome of the situation. For example, I was driving to work this morning and was sitting at a red light. The turning lane light went green and the car in front of me decided that we were waiting TOO LONG for that green light and he just zoomed into the turning lane to turn and right when he did that my light turned green and I was on my way, not much faster than him. If he had only waited just one more second he would have stuck to his original plan of going straight.
     Life is unfair sometimes, it really is, but if we could just adjust all the feelings of unfairness and the thoughts of "why me?" and change them to feelings of lessons and thoughts of "this will only make me stronger" then our whole attitude would change. It isn't about what happens to you in life, it is about how you choose to react to it. If you're feeling stuck or uncertain or lost or neglected find a way to help yourself. Put that trust that you desire in yourself. Trust yourself. Yourself will never ever ever steer you wrong.
     Trust. Trust your feelings, your emotions and attitude. Trust that you will always have the courage to do what is right for you.
   

Thanks 2014...

Dear 2014,
   You really were wonderful. When I look back on the goals I set out for myself last year at this time, I feel very proud of myself and all that I accomplished. I remember really hoping that I would be able to open up my heart again and find that trust again that had been shattered in the past. I decided that I wanted to say "yes" more and I wanted to continue to spread light to those I encounter. As I look back on my year, I feel that I really was able to do all that I set out to do. Well… I still want to go skydiving… but I will add that on my list for 2015… one day it will happen. But, I really was able to open up my heart again, and thanks to the love in my life I feel like I was able to actually find that trust again. It feels so fantastic being able to experience love on the level that I am experiencing it now.It truly is magical. I also feel that the term YOLO (you only live once) really became a huge part of my 2014 year. It really helped me be able to say "yes" to more adventures and I was able to experience more! 
    As I sit here, I am trying to figure out what I want to do for my 2015 year. It's hard to look at yourself and decide what realistically needs changing or what needs work. I do not want to pick things that are too challenging, but I also want to continue growing and developing as a human. I think what I really want to work on is learning how to be with myself again. I find that I am surrounded by a lot of people every single day, and I am so used to seeing so many faces that when I have those rare moments by myself, I do not know what to do. I either feel sad for being alone, or just at a loss for what to do. I often feel like I need to be doing something, when really I need to remember that it is ok to just not do anything at times. Another goal I have for 2015 is to be more aware of the present moment. This is something that I have been working on for the past 25 years of life, but it doesn't hurt to keep working on it. It is SO easy for me to get carried away with my thoughts and get ahead of myself, which then in return makes me feel nervous and anxious. If I could just stay present and live in the moment then I think I would enjoy life even that much greater. 
      So, there is it… I want to learn how to be with myself again and I want to live presently. Oh.. and I want to skydive :). I feel very very very fortunate to live the life that I do, and I thank my lucky stars every single day for all the good and all the bad that has ever entered my life. Every little moment brought me to the life that I am living right now. I am grateful for this moment and I want to continue to be grateful for what surrounds me. 

     My heart is open and it is ready for more. I am looking forward to seeing what 2015 has in store. May it bring good health, present moments and happy tears and laughter!

love always,

Amanda Leigh

xoxo 

2015 BRING. IT. ON.

Believe that with your feelings and your work you are taking part in the greatest; the more strongly you cultivate this belief, the more will reality and the world go forth front it.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Two Years.

     The more time that comes between me and November 3rd, the day that changed my life, the more I see how lucky I am that things turned out the way they did. That time in my life seems like a lifetime ago, and yet the chaos that ensued still affects me on a daily basis. That may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, you might be saying things like, "it was two years ago Amanda! Move on!" But, you know what? What happened on November 3rd changed the course of my life, and it was the beginning of what was to come. November 3rd was the beginning of the story, of everyones story, of my story. 

     

    It's been two years, and I cannot believe how different my life is and how different I am. I feel stronger and I am now in a relationship that fuels me, it fuels my light, it does not take any light away. It feels good to be independent and in charge of my life. It feels good to have found a best friend in a partner and to have it be a positive experience. It feels good to work in an environment where I am around my family and friends every single day. I truly do feel very blessed. 

   

     I still have visions of the past, I still hear broken promises and hear the lies that were said to me to hide what was going on. I still feel anger, I still feel the hurt that I felt on that day. I still can sometimes feel the unwanted feeling my old self had felt on a daily basis. I could relive that moment over and over again in my head and the feelings all remain so fresh. 

  

     I cannot dwell on what was, and I don't. I see my life as it is right now, and I see how lucky I am, but it doesn't change the fact that it did happen and that I will probably be affected by it in one way or another my entire life. It is a part of me. It is my story and my journey.

   

    Two years is a long time, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned over these years. I know now what it means to be respected and to have that same respect for myself. I plan to continue to grow. I plan to take my story and continue to use it to help others. No one should be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. No one should make themselves sick over a situation they feel stuck in. No one should ever feel stuck. If you feel at all stuck or if you feel like the life that you're living is not the life you imagined, then please know you have the power to walk away and start the life you have been dreaming of. It's YOUR life! Do not waste it!!!

    

    

     Cheers to another year of growth!