I have not written in a long time. Time has been racing so fast. Hairspray is over and now I am focusing on the last few weeks of school before I start my amazing summer.
I have been going through a lot of different emotions lately. I have felt pure joy from being in Hairspray, absolute sadness from my nanny's illness, confusion about the shift in certain friendships in my life and so much fear about the future. I feel all of these feelings at least once every day... but I suppose we all have constant feelings that come and go.
I am really tired of the theatre department at my school, I do not feel inspired which is very rare for me because I feel like I can easily find the inspiration in theatre. I feel like the people around me are doing it for the fame, the social aspect and less about the actual art and story telling of it all. I must have been oblivious to it the last three years I have been at State because I never really noticed it until this semester when I am not really doing anything to be apart of the department. I get the joy of being an "outsider" looking into the world of "the lobby."
There have also been a lot of "friendship shifts" in my life. People are coming and going and lately I have really been able to see who is really there for me and who is not. I wish more than anything I could just say what is on my mind at all times. I often feel like I am too passive aggressive with situations, I need to learn how to call a spade a spade! I feel like I would hold less anger inside of me.
After dealing with my Grandpa's death and now watching my Nanny go through the same thing I feel an overwhelming sense of, "who cares?" Who cares about school? Who cares about fighting? Who cares about the future. We are all going to die. That sounds so morbid, but I often wonder why I am wasting my time not saying how I really feel instead of sticking up for myself and my family. I wonder why am having my parents spend so much money on my school and living expenses... seriously if I knew that I was going to die in a month I would drop out of school and spend my time with my family, friends that I can talk to and Jason. I would travel! I would work at Disneyland for a week! I would eat what I want without worrying about the consequences! And most importantly I would say EXACTLY what is on my mind at all times.
If you knew you were going to die what would you do differently? I feel like we all have answers that are different from how we are living our current lives. I am a happy person, I really am. I just need to find the strength inside myself to live the life that I want to live.
